X11 season 45 - de rigueur Mortis

[Sits]

Hey VA, whilst you didn’t write anything here, you clearly acted as I have had an application from your mate WisemanJ and Season 28 is all go! Thanks a lot.

[Auntie Beryl]

Auntie Beryl what is this JobbyStats site of which you speak?

Oh, this: http://www.jobbystats.co.uk/calculator/

It scrapes completed transfer data. You enter age, skill, position and visible SQs and it attempts to give you an idea of what the market value might be.

Vanilla values are well known to anyone who has played the game for a bit, however for unusual combos it can be useful.

[lambers]

An early managerial balls up to make the Deers' return to division 1 more difficult — I mistakenly set them all training one day early, so all the gains (and 1.8m econ) have been wiped out...

[Sits]

An early managerial balls up to make the Deers' return to division 1 more difficult — I mistakenly set them all training one day early, so all the gains (and 1.8m econ) have been wiped out...

I couldn’t even afford any, so they’re having to be trained post CR. The Swine need a 19yo MF and a bid is in.

Auntie Beryl thanks.

[Sean of the Shed]

Ouch. Done that before myself a long time ago. Fortunately it was at a team that had a large bank balance.

[Sits]

Oh OK I suppose I can get my arse in gear long enough to kick this off:

Berkshire Swine - OTF

How will you do this season?
The Swine really are not a “retaining” kind of team; I’ve not worked out the magic formula. There’s just the occasional spawny peak like just now. Midfielder Shahi is 38, wants to retire and his skill is dropping like a stone so a 19yo needs to come in. This of course dilutes the overall skill levels. So let’s aim for survival and take it from there.

Best moment of last season?
Well, from the 80th minute of the final round, clearly. Actually no more specifically it was turning on the phone and logging in the morning after.

Worst moment of last season?
Our goalie getting injured in Round 1. Thank goodness Flip “Flip” Zijlstra was on hand to take the gloves.

What’s the best thing about the club?
They were my first, more than six months before I added to the roster. They’re still special and this is the OTF after all. As the Liverpool fans said, “this means more”.

What’s the worst thing about the club?
A chronic inability to build up a decent bank balance.

[lambers]

Thanks for kicking this off Sits, these reviews are always interesting, especially when strung together over multiple seasons.


Hampshire Deers - D1

How will you do this season?
The hope is to gamely battle against relegation, the squad is certainly not good enough to do much more. We need to balance this with getting some fresher legs in midfield, with three out of six midfielders now in their thirties.

Best moment of last season?
The second half of the season, ignoring the final day dead rubber, we got 22 out of 24 points to secure promotion with a game to spare.

Worst moment of last season?
Not too many individual moments, but the realisation that neither striker (not counting late arrival A.Williams) scored more than four goals in a promotion season, despite playing in every game, was not great. 27/11 FK'er Dwight Allmark being a particular disappointment.

What’s the best thing about the club?
Still got a hefty core of 'original' Deers who have been with the club for all eight seasons. Eight remain, all with 120+ appearances.

What’s the worst thing about the club?
Like Sits, a chronic inability to build up a decent bank balance. This season may be the time when the funding for the ineffective youth academy finally drops, so that we can stop living hand to mouth.

[Sean of the Shed]

Dandy Town - Division 1

How will you do this season?
A club with our history should not be having to compete in Division 1. I am angrier than the president of Rwanda at this abject failure. Anything less than promotion will only compound this failure and may well lead to me sacking myself.

Best moment of last season?
The last seven games. We managed 14 points, with our only defeat coming against the eventual champions. Unfortunately we only managed 7 points from the 11 previous games, so were always trying to catch up.

Worst moment of last season?
The four games at the turnaround against Four Candles and Great Ouse which all ended in defeat. Like a big Eton Mess there were small chunks of bad luck and slices of bitter agony all stirred in to a big creamy dollop of ineptitude.

What’s the best thing about the club?
They are my most successful club, and the most successful club in the history of OTF. Like Man Utd over the past few seasons, other teams still celebrate victories against us like they've just won the cup even though we have been bang average. You can't buy that kind of reputation. The Highwaymen will be back.

What’s the worst thing about the club?
Since the very early days when we had Radu Pantaze, we have never managed to find a prolific striker that can manage a goal every other game, and so far Sakal Boman doesn't really look like changing that any time soon.[/QUOTE]

[Etienne]

Both Croesoswallt Dragons and Suffragette City need some pre-season friendlies if anyone wants to send some invites.

Croesoswallt Dragons - OTF

How will you do this season?
Two double jumps have shored up our defence, we have a good keeper, and our strikers are fine. We are a top player short in midfield, but if we recruit we should be competing at the top of the table. If not, probably mid-table.

Best moment of last season?
Beating Great Ouse Town and then Waveney Valley Swifts in successive games to steer us clear of relegation.

Worst moment of last season?
Successive home defeats by the Csiki Monkeys and Eriskay Expression to start the second half of the season. We'd just taken 4 points from the away games against them and had we repeated that at home we'd have been looking to challenge for the title. After them we were only looking down.

What’s the best thing about the club?
When you've managed a club for 64 seasons it is difficult to find the good and the bad. It just is.

What’s the worst thing about the club?
We are one title behind the Dandies.

[nmrfox]

Whoft Fluffopolis - Division 1

How will you do this season?
Nostradamus Fox predicted a 5th place finish pre-season and his charges didn't disappoint in that respect; about the only non-disappointing thing in what was a very grey season. Second worse defence in the league was a major issue, only partly compensated for by the fourth best goals scored column in the division. We'll do well to avoid the drop this time around.

Best moment of last season?
Getting the biggest win of the season award by humping Turd Division 4-0 in the penultimate penultimate game of the season, sparing our blushes from the third match of the season where The Turds handing us our arses in a 5-2 walloping.

Worst moment of last season?
Being so far behind champions Zeugmaspor (lost 1-3, lost 4-1) that it was painful. Losing legendary keeper Norbert Pelican at the start of the season and seeing replacement Hugh Leatherhead flapping helplessly like a Pelican's catch was pretty hard to take. Aforementioned Leatherhead also swallowed up what few econs we had with his transfer fee and endlessly training him.

What’s the best thing about the club?
We're great fun for the opposition strikers to increase their goal bonuses.

What’s the worst thing about the club?
The econs (or lack thereof) in the coffers. Difficult to see the club going forward and we may have to bow to the inevitable in selling some of the assets to bring in some fresh blood, or we go down the route of youth and accepting relegation whilst the youngsters get up to speed.

[Sean of the Shed]

Etienne, invited Dragons.

[ad hoc]

AFC Csiki Monkeys - OTF

How will you do this season?
The dreaded team stats page puts us in last place on team strength and on squad value, which doesn't bode well. However, rather than finishing bottom, I think we'll cast the stats to the wind and finish 9th. The big tests will come against second worst team in both categories Locomotiv Noj, managed by my brother. We are the Inzaghis of OTF, except probably both of us are the one managing Brescia, rather than Inter.

Best moment of last season?
There weren't that many, but there were a couple of back to back wins which in the end proved crucial in keeping us up. Won away at Vita Mortis breaking the voodoo of the previously impregnable Hollows (impregnable to more or less everyone)

Worst moment of last season?
We were pretty shite. And especially at home, meaning that the long suffering, but fortunately non-existent fans suffered even longerly. Only one home win all season.

What’s the best thing about the club?
We always start the season on top of the table (like now for example)

What’s the worst thing about the club?
The relentless mediocrity

[Etienne]

Etienne, invited Dragons.

Sorry I asked.

[Hot Orange]

OTF Season 64 Final Day Round-Up

OTF

---

With VA having laid out all the permutations in the last round-up, there's no need for me to go over them again here. We all knew the Season 64 OTF title would be in the hands of Vita Mortis or Berkshire Swine come the season's final whistle. So let's head straight for Stade Andy Liver, where Mortis' attempts to claim the victory that would guarantee the title were thwarted time and again by Dandy Town keeper Lars-Ivar Numme. Edmond Bleuet did find a way past him on the half hour but, agonisingly for the travelling fans, the strike was ruled out. A similar fate befell the relegation-battling Dandies' Lincoln Balshaw when he netted with just over 20 minutes to go and time ran out on both sides with the game goalless. Still, for each of them that might still have been enough.

Berkshire Swine knew they probably had to win, and win well, to pinch the title away from Mortis, and they set about their task in impressive fashion, completely dominating visitors Croesoswallt Dragons. Ibrahim Shahi had them in front early on, and Bruno Dijoux doubled the lead just before the hour. With Mortis still unable to grab a winner, the Swine needed just one more goal and it duly arrived with ten minutes remaining when Karel Ruban planted a header from Flip Zijlstra's cross into the back of the net. A fourth goal arrived minutes later from veteran Cristofao Edilson, before the final whistle and confirmation of the stalemate at the Stade Andy Liver meant celebrations of the Swine's second OTF crown, 17 seasons after their first, could begin. For Mortis, it's an incredible 9th runners-up spot, their fourth in five seasons and their seventh in ten.

The Dandies' failure to win meant the Dragons and AFC Csiki Monkeys were out of their reach, but the point gave them a chance of overhauling Eriskay Expression and climbing out of the relegation zone. Unfortunately for them, Eriskay were up against Waveney Valley Swifts, whose performances over the second half of the season have been a chuffing disgrace, frankly. Predictably, Expression were the better side by a colossal margin and ran out 2-0 winners thanks to two goals from Milton Lineker, one at the start and one at the end. So it is Season 61 champs Dandy Town who join the Swifts and Rejects Redux in Division 1 next season, and the champagne that was on ice in both dressing rooms at the Stade Andy Liver was no doubt still cracked open but used to drown sorrows rather than toast success.

Elsewhere, AFC Csiki Monkeys were massively relieved to discover that they had survived after two very late goals from Matteo De Angelo overturned their 1-0 lead at Four Candles and meant a Dandy Town winner would have sent them down. They survive by a point, while the Candles finish 3rd, their sixth top-three placing in seven seasons. De Angelo's brace sees him finish as the division's top goal-scorer, with eight.

Rejects Redux and Great Ouse Town played out a scoreless draw that confirms the Rejects' last place and leaves Ouse 4th.

Division 1

---

The final promotion place was sealed without too much drama by Steaua Bridge, Reagan MacKinven striking early in the second half to see them on their way to the victory they needed at home to Saltney Drawers and then clinching the points and promotion with a second in the final 20 minutes. The Drawers, looking for points to avoid the drop, never threatened and thus return to Division 2 after five seasons.

There they will be joined by Somers Town Sugar Imps, whose 2-0 victory over Whoft Fluffopolis was in vain due to relegation rivals Kernow Kensa seeing off Banik Roystonov 3-1 to stay a point clear of the drop zone. For much of the day, the Imps had looked like saving themselves. They were comfortable with the lead given to them by Sarmad Kurdi after just six minutes, while the game between Kernow and Banik remained a keenly contested but scoreless encounter. But just past the hour an unlikely hero emerged for Kernow, when 18-year-old Brendon Turner netted his first senior goal to put them in front. Damien Balboa increased the lead minutes later and, after Banik's Vaclav Lavanchech had briefly worried the home side by pulling one back, Dudley Gower rounded off the win that keeps Kernow up. Torgeir Þórisson's late clincher for the Imps thus counted for nothing and the Season 59 OTF champions suffer a second consecutive relegation.

The Fluffers' defeat meant they wouldn't have capitalised on any slip-up from Steaua, unlike Turd Division, whose 2-0 victory over on-the-beach champions Zeugmaspor would have taken them up had Steaua lost. Instead, they finish 4th. Though Zeugma may have long since clocked off for the season, Okan Baran was sufficiently annoyed by Callum Allison's goal for the Turds to put in a tackle that ensured that Allison would be spending the first week of the close season on the treatment table.

Runners-up Locomotiv Noj rounded off their successful campaign with a lively 3-2 home win over wooden-spooners die Ambosse. The visitors led twice but goals in the final quarter from Jeremiah Tomkins and Angelos Zavadias saw Noj to their fourth consecutive win and irked die Ambosse skipper Bernd Frehn, who completed his season with a red card.

Division 2

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There was much to play for at both ends of the D2 table, with one promotion and two relegation places still to be filled. At the top end, Azure Dragons needed a win at Wednesday de la Zouch to clamber over their opponents and join Nieuwegein Kneebiters and Hampshire Deers in Division 1. That never looked likely, however, and two goals each from Joacim Bobeck and Richard Sampson propelled Wednesday to a promotion-clinching 4-1 success. It was a victory that saw them finish 2nd, as they overtook the Deers, who were surprisingly beaten 2-0 at home by Wensleydale Blues. That win for the Blues, secured through goals from Benjamin Hardaw-Force and Billy Mallerstang, and achieved despite the loss of Luke Littondale to an early injury, turned out to be crucial as it kept them a point ahead of Great Northern Railway and preserved their Division 2 status. GNR did all they could, sweeping aside Littlewoods Legends 3-0, with Tommy McConville dispatching two free kicks to take his career tally to 61 goals from 356 games over 21 seasons, but they drop back down to the basement. Athletico Deva go with them, their faint hopes of surviving disappearing with a 3-0 defeat at champions Nieuwegein Kneebiters. There was little joy amongst the Parkhout faithful, with the club as they knew it sadly about to disappear. It will reappear in Division 1 as "Portsmouth F.C", which frankly would be bad enough even if they had managed to include the second full stop. Anyway, Toine Ten Damme goes down in history as the last man to score for the Kneebiters, his 87th-minute goal the third of three headers that condemned Deva to Division 3, a level to which they last made a fleeting visit in Season 51.

The "Elsewhere,…" game here saw Heffron Hendecagon become the latest team to hand out a thrashing to the zero-pointers of Indigo Plateau. Sherlock Holmes hit a first-half hat-trick and both of the teenage Dave brothers (Small Dave is the big brother, confusingly, and Hairy the younger. I mean, I'm assuming they're brothers, but perhaps Dave is a more common surname than I thought) were on the scoresheet as Heffron won 6-1. Adrian Mewtwo's goal for Indigo was just their second of the season. Holmes finishes the campaign as the division's top scorer with 10.

Division 3

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Realistically needing just a point to claim the final promotion place, Andromache FC made it clear from the outset that they were not about to slip up, Alan Cleese giving them a first-minute lead at home to Brian Munchingflapjack. Two more goals before the half-hour mark - both from Bartholomew Winstanley Esq. - effectively secured the points and promotion and allowed them to play out the rest of the game free of any anxiety. The team that could have pipped them, OWC Albion, were probably relieved to hear that Andromache hadn't left the door open given that they slumped to a 1-0 home defeat by tail-enders Eintracht Midwest, 19-year-old Xoan Bello opening his goal-scoring account with the winner. Four consecutive defeats to finish the season constitute a spectacular choke from Albion.

Two goals from Frank Hulme helped Wharfedale Generals complete their title-winning season in style with a 3-1 home win over New Dresden, who finish 7th. Urby Amadsalatoen is a great name, so it's nice that he scored the final goal in Cods of War's 3-0 home win over Tree Hill High because it means your rounder-upper gets to type it. The irascible ichthyoids finish 2nd while THH come in 6th. Pinewood Passers kept themselves ahead of Veni Vici Vigata in 8th with a 2-0 win on VVV's own patch.

[Sits]

Hot Orange lovely work, thanks. All the more impressive considering your recent post.

[lambers]

Blimey, my official team, Town City Rovers*, just fluked their play-off on penalties and will be in the League Of Champs First Division next season.

I'm genuinely shocked, I'm in a bit of an X11 purple patch at the moment. Champions in the Human League; just been promoted in OTF; nearly secured Heineken promotion this season; plus going well in the MLX and doing ok in the Official Ladies league. It will all surely come crashing down soon.


*sorry for the earworm, VA

[Janik]

Currently four reports behind on the Ladies League and Cup. Irritatingly two of those reports are half written (OK, OK, a quarter written) which makes them hard to abandon. But I think I need to as it is already (checks time) bedtime tonight.

[Sits]

Janik nobody is checking their calendars. As ever we’re all just grateful for as much or as little as we get.

[Antepli Ejderha]

Currently four reports behind on the Ladies League and Cup. Irritatingly two of those reports are half written (OK, OK, a quarter written) which makes them hard to abandon. But I think I need to as it is already (checks time) bedtime tonight.

There's no expectation at all to write up match reports, they are a lovely bonus and that's it.
Janik they must take a lot of effort for you to be doing so often. We hope you're OK as that's the priority.

[Sits]

Imagine if he ever binds them.

[lambers]

We can collate each season into Rothjan's Yearbook.

[Various Artist]

Hey VA, whilst you didn’t write anything here, you clearly acted as I have had an application from your mate WisemanJ and Season 28 is all go! Thanks a lot.

Sorry Sits, I apparently haven't looked in on OTF in 11 days to reply to this. I distinctly remembered writing something in the aforementioned reply, but looking back a page I see I accidentally put it inside the quote tags:

If anyone has quota I need a stand-in please to trigger the new Human League season.I've sent word out Sits! There's a few standbys I know, one of whom should be able to jump into the vacancy in the breach.

So when you quoted me in turn it showed up blank, because the boards no longer 'nest' quotes and thus it cut out both your original comment referred to by me and my reply inadvertently tucked directly alongside it.

Glad to be of help, anyway!

[Various Artist]

Belatedly joining the preseason questionnaire antics:

Vita Mortis – OTF

How will you do this season?
Good question. Our ageing team was held together partly for one last(?) crack at the title last season, and partly due to a dearth of decent youth replacements coming through in recent times, but is really at a tipping point now. We have brought in one 17/4 MF from the academy to start to address that, but it's a question of how he gels and whether the current side can take on a very competitive top flight again. The margins, as we know, are so fine!

A lack of real quality in defence has been a continuing issue, as is a lack of goalscoring clout. Nobody managed more than 4 all season for us last time, and only our five senior attacking/midfield players have double-figure tallies for their whole careers.

Best moment of last season?
Having surprisingly recovered from an indifferent start to climb into an amazing four-way title race, our back-to-back wins over two of the others – Great Ouse Town and Four Candles – in rounds 14 and 15 convinced me we belonged there. We couldn't quite crack the podium positions until the second of those saw us vault from 4th straight to 1st, but suddenly we had the bit between our teeth.

Worst moment of last season?
Sigh. Do you really need me to answer this?

Yeah, blowing the title on the final day after leading the league by 2 points going into the final game... for the second time in five seasons.

This one hurt, more even than the notorious choke against Kernow Kensa, because there at least we were beaten head-to-head in the decider by the better team on the day. This time it looked like the stars had aligned: we were on a streak of five victories by a combined 11-0, ten wins in our last 12, and even if we drew at the Dandies the Swine still needed to win by at least 3 goals against the Dragons to overhaul us. It was even a nice round 20 seasons since our first title. We created 5 chances to 0 at the Stade Andy Liver, yet couldn't quite make the one breakthrough we needed, and in the final ten minutes of the campaign Sits' side (in a bravura performance) pulled out the third and fourth goals they needed to go past on GD.

What’s the best thing about the club?
Our consistency at the top level of OTF football. We've been there or thereabouts, bar one blip where we finished 7th in Season 58, for twenty-six straight seasons. I think it's by some way the longest current run in the top flight, and we've only dipped out of the top 5 once in all that time. The steadiness of our evolution to maintain competitiveness across a full 'quarter-century' is, all modesty aside, worthy of praise I feel.

What’s the worst thing about the club?
Pretty obvious, innit. Let's break down those 25 top-5 finishes:
5th = 3 (S49, 50, 54)
4th = 4 (S40, 42, 43, 63)
3rd = 7 (S39, 46, 47, 48, 51, 53, 59)
2nd = 9 (S41, 45, 55, 56, 57, 60, 61, 62, 64)
1st = 2 (S44, 52)

Always the bridesmaid, almost never the bride. Our seven recent 2nd places have come behind six different clubs, so you can't say we're not fastidiously even-handed about letting other people have a go, at least.

[delicatemoth]

Somers Town Sugar Imps - Div 2

How will you do this season?
After two successive relegations we aim to regroup in midtable

Best moment of last season?
Nothing stands out.

Worst moment of last season?
Drawing important games against fellow strugglers on the runin (think that's two moments)

What’s the best thing about the club?
It's sugary and impish.

What’s the worst thing about the club?
The econs the manager throws away on training players who won't make it

[Granthamian]

Morning everyone. I don't post much but something has caught my eye I wanted to write about. It impresses me the effort some managers go to when building their squad. In the MLX for example, Roberto has spent the past few seasons reinventing his Valyrian Vipers team. Not only does he have his customary band of strong prospects (all pretty much the same age) but he's majored on players with the Penalty Taker attribute. Perfect for the MLX of course with its high incidence of penalty shootouts in the knockout matches. Rmy's Gotham City also has a definite theme about it. Rmy seems to favour small squads which must be great for giving players maximum game time but on the other hand are vulnerable when injuries and suspensions strike. To counter this he has gone for a host of All Rounders so he can cover emergencies. He also seems to favour the Stamina attribute, again not a bad thought when so many MLX games go to extra time. It must take a lost of effort to plan like this - every time I look at the transfer market my main aim is to just find a player who is compatible, rarely does he come with a "useful" attribute as well. All this goes to illustrate of course why my teams are by and large a lesson in mediocrity