X11 season 45 - de rigueur Mortis

[Sits]

Thanks VA, excellent. So, our 7th draw; good to see the switch to 352 has got pulses racing.

[Various Artist]

Haha, yes it's really upped the drama levels at the Tolsma Arena hasn't it?

[delicatemoth]

I'm still kicking myself for missing our playoff for the top flight, when on our first crack at that level we nicked 2nd on the final day against the odds, such that I fatalistically but stupidly didn't even think to check our last result until two days later... by which time the playoff had been played.

I actually remember Janik's moving account of how your team were left to play this match bereft of your guidance, so I'm a little surprised he's forgotten!

[Various Artist]

Oh golly, I must look that up. I may have tried to blot it out myself, considering the circumstances.

[Various Artist]

Gloucester Old Spots, Heineken League:

Whilst workmen were digging a massive hole for a pool with jacuzzi in Mathew Worthington's back garden, a strongbox containing personal letters allegedly written by William Shakespeare was found. After bringing it to the curator of the local museum, who deemed the find of significant historical value, Mathew Worthington donates the collection to the museum. The museum then donates 1 365 500 econ to the club.

Matthew Worthington is a damn fool, his salary is nothing like that much.

What concerns me is how a local museum has so much disposable funds that it can donate a seven figure sum to a football club. Sounds dodgy to me.
The Heineken League FFP committee will be examining Gloucester Old Spots finances in fine detail.

Yeah, and this is all happening just as they go to the top of the league, too. Suspicious.

Is it too late to row back on my previous comments on this matter...? X11 random event for Tiree Automatic, today:

Whilst workmen were digging a massive hole for a pool with jacuzzi in Colin Forth's back garden, a strongbox containing personal letters allegedly written by William Shakespeare was found. After bringing it to the curator of the local museum, who deemed the find of significant historical value, Colin Forth donates the collection to the museum. The museum then donates 543 000 econ to the club.

Though I do find it suspicious how much less the cache of letters unearthed in the Hebrides are valued at.

[Hot Orange]

I see the apparent ubiquity of Will's carelessly discarded strongboxes is already having a significant negative impact on their value.

[Various Artist]

Good point, well made HO. Though to be fair to our 'careless' Bard, I presumed that they were letters he'd sent, thus were lost by the non-historically-minded recipients.

Of course, that random event landed in the inbox of probably my best-off team, who didn't really need the windfall – unlike several of my others, who are really struggling to find two econs to rub together. As if to emphasise this, simultaneously at Royal Atlantis (who have stacks of red arrows and only 42k in the bank) we've had this one:

Player loses form

Magnus Barefoot falls fast asleep in the solarium and gets really badly burned. The player becomes very stiff and can hardly move and misses some important training. The form of Magnus Barefoot is not as good as before.

It's like the system does this stuff deliberately, I swear.

Edit: I quite like the serendipity of the fact that it's Barefoot who got burnt, mind.


Meanwhile, I see Hideous' recent run of solid academy products continues. And the Icelandic defender production line has been diverted to south Norfolk, which might explain why Mortis haven't been getting any up in the northwest of the county of late.

[Hot Orange]

Though to be fair to our 'careless' Bard, I presumed that they were letters he'd sent, thus were lost by the non-historically-minded recipients.

Oh yes. I guess that also explains why they have been found in locations as diverse as Gloucester and Tiree.

[Sean of the Shed]

I see the apparent ubiquity of Will's carelessly discarded strongboxes is already having a significant negative impact on their value.

There's not a back garden in Britain not having boxes of Bill's scribbling unearthed these days. If they keep going at this rate they'll have about as much value as a second hand Dan Brown novel.

[Janik]

Our expanded band of managers sally forth once again for the Xpert Ladies Cup as a curtain raiser for season 58. Who will they take on?


Round 1 draw - first listed teams home in opening leg

Arslan (6:11)                vs   Csiki Girls
Dinamo Bucuresti (6:41)      vs   Mauchline Belles
Dublin City Womens FC        vs   Las Mazas (4n)
Hazeldean Inchmistress       vs   Kurag Clava (4e)
Hom FC (6:43)                vs   Bombay Green Rockets
Invisible Ladies             vs   Liverpool Amazons (3g)
Kreshnik Ladies FF (6:12)    vs   Coxy Ladies Wulpen
La Teja CFF (6:23)           vs   Ullapool Northern Star
Menywod Maeshafn             vs   Hearts of Lothian FC (5:12)
Odaliscas FC (6:27)          vs   Kanjeng Ratu Kidul WFC
Palma (6:37)                 vs   Drakaina
Podgora Panthers (6:46)      vs   Viking South Utsira
Rising Stars                 vs   Fleeges kex (4g)
S Team (5:32)                vs   LNWR Locomotive
Solent Sirens                vs   Söderbönerna (5:22)
Zeugma Dostluk Spor          vs   Örebro SK (6:25)

A more varied selection of ties to kick off with this season, with some OTFers facing significant challenges.
But probably not Csiki Girls, who start at Division 6:11 zombies Arslan.
Nor newly renamed Mauchline Belles (Gastele as was), who also face bottom tier undead in the form of Division 6:41 outfit Dinamo Bucuresti.
Our first trickier tie is another renamed side, Dublin City Womens FC, now in the bottom tier themselves, taking on Las Mazas of Division 4n. The first leg is at the newly opened The Heart Stadium.
Hazeldean Inchmistress also open on their familiar home turf of the Ken Higgs Arena when they attempt to topple Kurag Clava of Division 4e.
A zombie opponent will confront Bombay Green Rockets as they zip across to play Hom FC of Division 6:43.
One of the toughest draws of the round has been handed to Invisible Ladies, who welcome Division 3g outfit Liverpool Amazons to The San Seethrough.
Things should be straightforward for Coxy Ladies Wulpen as they have been paired with managerless Kreshnik Ladies FF of Division 6:12.
Ullapool Northern Star will also be favourites, but less strongly so as their bottom tier opposition, La Teja CFF of Division 6:23, have active management.
Newly promoted Menywod Maeshafn are the lower seeds so at home for their opening leg, but only against opponents from what is now the same tier as themselves as they take on Hearts of Lothian FC of Division 5:12.
Kanjeng Ratu Kidul WFC are also freshly promoted. They take on a live managed opponent in the form of Division 6:27 outfit Odaliscas FC. But with two levels between the sides, this should still be straightforward.
Things should be very, very straightforward for Drakaina, freshly into the second tier, when they take the same field as Palma, managerless and in Division 6:37 on the bottom rung of the ladder.
Viking South Utsira also face an entry level team as they look to rebuild momentum following the drop, but at least Division 6:46 outfit Podgora Panthers have a human boss.
It will be tricky for Rising Stars as they open their campaign at the Ascension Arena against Division 4g side Fleeges kex.
LNWR Locomotive are also playing opponents from the tier above themselves following their relegation, but The Steamers are the seeds against S Team of Division 5:32 so start away from home.
Solent Sirens begin with a home encounter as they welcome Division 5:22 side Söderbönerna to Mayfield Park.
And finally as will Zeugma Dostluk Spor who, despite being a tier higher than Division 6:25 side Örebro SK after promotion last term, will host the first leg at the Insan Haklari Stadyumu.

[Various Artist]

Thanks Janik! I hadn't actually looked at my draw for the Cup, so it's nice to know I'm a.) facing a bottom-tier club and b.) a human manager. Good luck everyone with the new season, and it's great to have a cluster of returned managers back in action.

[lambers]

I'm not hopeful that the Stars will emerge victorious against a decent looking fourth division side, but am hopeful that we will at least avoid a pasting. It would help if I could get a decent forward in to replace the retired Giampa, but all attempts in the transfer market have so far been thwarted. There haven't been too many options of affordable players that aren't a poor fit, and when they do look good I've been outbid, even in cases where I thought I was bidding way over the odds. So I'll start the season with a forward choice of a 22/8, a 21/6 and a 21/4.

[Various Artist]

Hmmm, our sixth-division opponents are actually a very solid side, so I'm not totally filled with confidence either. I've just sold my senior keeper (Julie Alme), defender (Britta Klovning) and striker (Emilie Klovning) too, so we'll certainly be fielding an underage defensive unit. Am hoping we have a little too much firepower the other end and that the opposing manager keeps up his unvarying recent tactics, though he did change formation for their one preseason friendly so we're still in a bit of a quandary over what to prepare for there.

The sales were interesting – Britta has gone to a Division 6 side, where she will presumably do very well for the twilight of her career though alas is among a cohort of oldies the inexperienced manager is cramming his side with. Emilie, remarkably and very excitingly for her, having missed out on ever getting beyond Division 1 with me (as noted, due to my aforementioned oversight with our one playoff at that level) has surprisingly been picked up by top flight side Roy Rovers and will thus find herself starting the new season as the third most skilled forward in the highest division!

Julie meanwhile was the last non-Austrheim, Hovland, Kvalvik or Klovning in the squad, despite having come through the academy, so they are now 100% pureborn Utsiran. She got nicknamed Julie "Mad Dog" Alme by Janik, after getting booked for injuring an opposing player four minutes into her debut in January 2016:

Not content with having drawn the #13 seed managed by a top-3 global manager for the Xpert Ladies Cup round 6 this Saturday, and being massively outgunned in all departments, my team apparently committed a sort of advance hara-kiri this afternoon to make absolutely certain there's no fear of progressing. Having belatedly promoted the only half-decent recent goalkeeper, 19/5 Julie Alme, as she has Cool, Feather and Dead-end (ironically, though, she lacks a native Utsiran name as she arrived so hot on the heels of the previous one I hadn't submitted a new name request), I elected to throw her into the team for today's return game against Michael Michael Micky doo, and she promptly got booked for slightly injuring an opponent just four minutes into her career. Star striker Manuças Fudida inexplicably followed suit three minutes later, but when Lurdes Quental scored a freekick with our first chance (hugely against the run of play) we were briefly top of the division. So the defence instantly allowed MMMD a shot at young Julie, who let it in to square things up. By the end of the game we were down to 5th and in danger of falling into the relegation zone - especially when Manuças got sent off and then Vania Carvão, one of my best midfielders and I think an ever-present for me since I took over, got crocked, so we played out the latter stages with 9 women. Remarkably we held on for the draw, but there were terrible form crashes throughout the squad to boot, and there's only 126K in the bank to see us through the week.

We should get obliterated in the Cup game, and the league is so tight from first to seventh I can see us going down: we're now shorn of our senior active midfielder - I've had to bring back completely out-of-form retiring MF Angelica Dibble for Saturday to keep the average age up, just like David Kavanaugh for Mortis on Monday, since we're also missing our senior striker for this match - and I'm also going to be fielding the new junior keeper in several matches as it's worth trying to develop her a bit with those SQs. Her DV jumped from 4 to 10 in one fell swoop today, so I'll chuck her in for the lost-cause Cup game now and really try to boost her along since she'll get terrific experience credit for facing such a strong side.

Young Viking South Utsira goalkeeper Julie 'Mad Dog' Alme has a lot going for her. Not just being a 19/5 rated player, but with a host of useful SQs, including coolness, being great in the air and a specialist in stopping one-on-ones. With sufficient development she could become an exceptional player. The problem Blood Eagles manager Velvet Android has is that 'keeper is a very exposed position so finding suitable games in Division 4 is a conundrum. The match against Wælcyrie being a case in point.
A tight affair, Alme has just two shots to deal with. She saw the second one off, but was beaten by the first after 36 minutes. One way to cope with this is to create a slew of chances at the other end, but against a team as strong as the Nordic Warrior-Maidens this was unlikely, and the four chances Utsira created produced just Vânia Carvão's second-half header.
Such is the tightness of the Division 4h table that only getting a draw from this game has left Viking sitting seventh, when a win would have had them second! As it is Wælcyrie hold the play-off berth, and the manager has to decide if a step back to develop his 'keeper is worth risking.

The "Mad Dog" nickname stuck for the rest of her career with us. This is despite the fact, however, that in 182 further appearances for us (second among goalies on our all-time list, the club having been formed in 2004, behind only her immediate predecessor Ivy Ryder's 204) and in defiance of the bad rep she got so immediately, Alme was never once booked again...!

[Various Artist]

Big day in the Human League top flight, meanwhile. 9-time league titlists Suffragette City host twice trophy-winners Holkham Forest in their antepenultimate fixture, with both sides sitting in the relegation zone right now. They are the only multiple-time champions in the top division at present, with the other two double-champs – Eintract Eindhoven (f.k.a. Märkische Mädels) and Great Ouse Town – both in Division 2 this season.

With the other two former winners Devil Fish Girls (now Zanarkand Abes) and Hammerpot both in D3 currently, it's possible the only former champs left in the highest tier next season will be Just Plain Random (S17 winners) and Les Sangliers (S13), the most recent two clubs to wrest the crown away from the Suffragettes. I'm assuming however that City will put their recent uncharacteristic terrible form behind them at the crucial juncture however and escape the drop.

[Hot Orange]

I've always felt I struggle to do the writeups with as much élan as you, though, exemplified by your casual detonation of the descriptor lanternes rouges for Wharfedale Generals in the latest one. Chapeau, indeed.

You're too kind, and I disagree. Thanks, though. Lanternes rouges was really borne out of a desperation to write something other than "bottom-placed". As a cycling enthusiast, it was the first alternative that sprang to mind.

[Hot Orange]

Pooh-poohing all official advice and ill-advisedly laughing in the face of the vile virus, the OTF League continues in front of packed grounds. It's the OTF Season 57 Round 11 Round-Up.

OTF
Well, this is getting exciting. After an intriguing set of results on Thursday, the top five are separated by just three points. Croesoswallt Dragons stretched their lead at the top despite being held to a 1-1 home draw by stalemate specialists Berkshire Swine. The Dragons dominated the game but needed a 78th-minute goal from Idris Mawr to avoid defeat. The Swine have now drawn four on the trot and stay 6th. A trio of teams sit two points behind the leaders. Zeugmaspor cling on to 2nd place but were beaten at home by Vita Mortis, who move up to 3rd. Mortis fell behind to Oktay Cakir's header just after the break but were soon level through keeper, skipper and - pertinently for this round-up - penalty-taker Wilbur Greenwood, and deservedly claimed all three points thanks to Hannes Rot's goal a minute from time. Dandy Town drop to 4th after a scoreless draw at Rock City Ferrets, who continue to swap places with Turd Division at the foot of the table. The Turds have made their way down to the bottom, as nature decrees, after a comprehensive 3-0 defeat at Four Candles, who are the fifth of that tightly packed leading quintet. Great Ouse Town and AFC Csiki Monkeys remain either side of the dotted line (which isn't dotted, I notice) - in 8th and 7th respectively - after sharing a 1-1 draw at Blue Fen.

Division 1
There are new leaders in Division 1, Rejects Redux moving to the top after Christopher Belemgoto's goal gave them victory at Whoft Fluffopolis. The Fluffers remain unmoved in 8th, impatiently awaiting the return of their early season form. Making way for the Rejects at the summit were Hideous Towns, whose own wobble continued in a fortunate 1-1 draw at home to Saltney Drawers. Visiting skipper Bentley Kenneth missed a second-half penalty that would have put his side two up, allowing Espen Holkestad to grab a late equaliser for the relieved hosts. The Drawers edge a point clear of the drop zone but stay 7th, their progress hampered by an impressive commitment to living up to their name. Staying in 3rd but closing the gap on the top two are Banik Roystonov, easy 4-0 winners at Locomotive Noj, who thus spectacularly failed to build on their defeat of Hideous on Monday and stay 9th. Kernow Kensa also scored four away from home, the finishing prowess of William Heatley and Dean Brooker proving too much for 18-year-old home keeper Halvar Ljungstrom in a 4-2 success at Eriskay Expression. Wensleydale Blues climb above Expression into 5th following a 3-0 win at wooden spooners Nieuwegein Kneebiters Espoirs, Badul Hailmi scoring twice.

Division 2
The promotion places look to be sewn up in Division 2 as the top three stretched their advantage over the rest. Leaders Athletico Deva remain three points clear at the top after a comfortable 3-0 win at Steaua Bridge, who are now three points from safety in 8th place. A late goal from Horace Godden gave Heffron Hendecagon victory in a tight game at Great Northern Railway, who drop to 7th and have now gone seven games without victory after winning three of their first four. A point behind Heffron in 3rd are Wednesday de la Zouch, who beat Veni Vici Vigata 3-1 at the Benabau, Ruben Guapo bagging a hat-trick to bring his total for the campaign to 12. VVV, who stay 9th, were reduced to ten men in the closing stages following the dismissal of Freddie Dale, whose mood may or may not have been improved by his team pulling a goal back before he'd even got the taps running. Seven points adrift of the promotion places in 4th are Brian Munchingflapjack, whose 1-0 home defeat by Pinewood Passers was their third successive loss. The Passers move up to 6th thanks to Maksim Taratorin's winner. Wharfedale Generals are still bottom but have moved level on points with VVV after a 0-0 draw at home to 5th-placed OWC Albion. While the Generals continue to await their first goal of the season, they can at least be pleased with their success at tightening up at the back - they haven't given the opposition anything resembling a sniff in their last three games.

Division 3
The only surprise in the top v bottom clash was that die Ambosse failed to put more than six past Poplar Massive Crew. 5-0 up inside 25 minutes, the quality of their finishing tailed off in the second half, although Davide Planceret scored twice on the night to take his tally for the season to 13. Remaining three points off the top with a game in hand are Hampshire Deers, who were also big winners, 5-0 at home to 6th-placed The Blomstrands, with Ferdinand Forsyth and Wesley Greaves each scoring twice. New Dresden, in 3rd, let a 2-0 lead slip at Eintracht Midwest and had to make do with a point. Cods of War benefited from that draw, moving two points clear of Midwest and one point behind Dresden after their 2-0 win at Llandudno Jet Set, who are 7th. Richmond P&P sat this round out and remain 8th. Indeed, there were no positional changes in the division at all.

[Sits]

Thanks a lot HO, lovely stuff.

Swine have drawn four on the trot

I see what you did there.

[Various Artist]

keeper, skipper and - pertinently for this round-up - penalty-taker Wilbur Greenwood

Yes, old Wilbur is still just about defying the advancing years, even if he has lost a couple of skillbars in recent seasons. Poor Howard Stant is 27 now and still second-choice keeper.

Great Ouse Town and AFC Csiki Monkeys remain either side of the dotted line (which isn't dotted, I notice)

Hah, I don't know how many times I'd described it thusly in the old Heineken roundups before noticing that it isn't. Never stopped me continuing to use the phrase, though.

I had to google "Espoirs", meanwhile. I feel I'm getting drawn into one of our parlour games that I'm on the verge of losing, because I don't think I can continue coming up with new metaphors for the youthfulness of the Kneebiters and Generals squads for the rest of the season.

I have genuinely no idea what's going on at the Generals this past week, incidentally. To go from getting smashed 8 games running to holding out for three 0-0 draws on the, er, trot is a real turnaround. Has Sylkies stopped fielding quite so many kids, or have both GNR and OWC just taken them too lightly?

[Various Artist]

Hmmm, our sixth-division opponents are actually a very solid side, so I'm not totally filled with confidence either. I've just sold my senior keeper (Julie Alme), defender (Britta Klovning) and striker (Emilie Klovning) too, so we'll certainly be fielding an underage defensive unit.

Hmmm, yes, I was right to be apprehensive. We drew 2-2, so are in for a bit of an awkward time in the home leg next weekend. Looks like going with a defensive unit of average age 23 by including 18/6 junior keeper Cordelia Austrheim was an error – plus she's Moody and registered a match rating of... 4.

Forgot to mention something else about Julie Alme earlier. After spending the entire time I've been in the Xpert Ladies flogging off Utsiran players never to see them again, bar a friendly against Great Horned Owls the other month who still have Ingeborg Kvalvik and Ida Klovning, I'm about to finally have what might actually be a first ever competitive meeting with a former player – because Alme has been sold to Warriors, a side in the very same division as us. We currently sit adjacent at the bottom of the table on alphabetical order. Our first reunion with "Mad Dog" is as soon as the 7th of next month.

[lambers]

I've been playing around with excel today, and generated progress graphs for the OTF league so far. Tried to keep the colour lines team appropriate, but had to make a few 'executive decisions' where colours were identical, so apologies to anyone whose colour isn't quite what you expect, particularly Steaua Bridge where I ended up using their alternate colour.

My conclusion: the higher the division, the greater the chaos. Pretty much the opposite of the English leagues.

[Etienne]

Xpert eleven does something like that for you, lambers,

VA, Zara Kvalvik played 20 minutes as a sub in our last competitive encounter.

[Various Artist]

VA, Zara Kvalvik played 20 minutes as a sub in our last competitive encounter.

That was it! I had this nagging feeling we had at least one such encounter under our belts, but couldn't put my finger on it. I seem to recall I almost overlooked meeting up with Zara even at the time, though, so this is characteristic.


Anyway, more importantly, that's amazing work lambers. The 'Like' button is going to get a workout there. I once overlaid multiple screenshots of the equivalent in-game progress diagrams (because you can only have 8 teams displayed at once) to create something similar, but that's above and beyond with the team colours and everything. Something pleasing I notice is that only two teams in the entire league have so far failed to drop down their division's table at any point since the start of term, i.e. their sole direction of progress has been upwards – Athletico Deva and Pinewood Passers.

And your conclusion is on-point. It's not always quite this way, but certainly at the upper end of the league at present it's very competitive indeed, although Etienne's Dragons are the strongest side on paper and hence well worth their pole position right now.

I just spotted the Dandies/Zeugma/Mortis names on the right of the top tier's diagram don't quite correspond with our current positions, incidentally – I take it from the way they're arranged you started on this maybe a week ago...?!

[Sits]

lambers nice work.

[lambers]

Good spot VA, it was an errant sort for OTF on the incorrect row, I only started it this evening so I can't blame a time lapse.

Etienne , where is that on X11? I can't find it anywhere, unless it's a VIP option?

[Sits]

When you’re viewing the league table, over on the right hand menu there is a “Diagram” option which allows you to select teams for your graph. It doesn’t give nice colours like yours though.