X11 season 45 - de rigueur Mortis

[Janik]

X11 Ladies Season 57 Matchday 13 report. Moving day.

Division 2b

Chelsea Ladies FC       1 - 1   Gastele
Tone 38'                        Dickson 12'

Drakaina                2 - 0   FC Sprezzatura
Vulturescu 41'
Sietaridis 91'


Division 3e

Viking South Utsira     0 - 2   The Norfolk Broads
                                Rosén 40'
                                Goodman 48'


Division 4i

Spicks Killiettes       0 - 1   Coxy Ladies Wulpen
                                van Sttenberghe 85'


Division 5:1

Bombay Green Rockets    2 - 2   Allstar 002
Nürnberger 1'                   Tenhola 52'
Lock 78'

AK Heartbreakerz        0 - 2   Arsenal LFC
                                Witt 51'
                                Amor 69'


Division 5:16

LNWR Locomotive         0 - 1   11 de abril FC
                                Zapater 58'


Division 5:19

Ullapool Northern Star  0 - 0   Angelic Upstarts


Division 5:21

Kanjeng Ratu Kidul WFC  0 - 2   The Temptation Within
                                Kortland 81'
                                Angeltveit 85'


Division 5:32

Csiki Girls             0 - 1   FC Amber
                                Stokkeland 13'


Division 6:3

Pokemongänget           0 - 4   Rising Stars
                                Raposo 1', 29'
                                Sinclair 27'
                                de Faria 76'


Division 6:20

Wallisellen Cats        0 - 4   Solent Sirens
                                Valdano 8', 16', 81'
                                Agra 74'


Division 6:34

Invisible Ladies        0 - 3   Girl Academy FC
                                Renoir 18', 51'
                                Rivalda 76'


Division 6:43

Hazeldean Inchmistress  0 - 2   CF Fuego Eagles
                                Rodin 61'
                                Barreto 85'


Division 6:53

Zeugma Dostluk Spor     4 - 2   Chuchas United
Veziroglu 9'                    Boy 14'
Cankut 24'                      Devenpeck 86'
Kurt 44'
Forsyth 54'


Division 6:56

Menywod Maeshafn        1 - 2   Empire Of The Sun
Barker 87'                      Michaelis 21'
                                Harper 30'

The Matchday 12 results, particularly but not limited to Gastele’s win in the OTF derby, had left Division 2b in a rather volatile state. Four teams were locked on 18 points, all of them five points adrift of the leaders and four clear of sixth spot. The later position was occupied by Chelsea Ladies FC, who hosted Jdsx’s charges on the penultimate day.
With both sides having so much to play for, it was a tense affair. But not goalless as each side scored with their sole first half chance, Rosey Dickson putting Gastele ahead on 12 minutes only for the hosts to equalise on 38. After the interval it was Gastele who had the better of the play… but it was Chelsea who came closest to breaking the deadlock when they had a strike disallowed. Ultimately, though, it was a draw that was of slightly more use to Gastele than Chelsea but mostly underwhelming for both.
Elsewhere in the same section Drakaina were faced with a tough test as they looked to bounce back from that derby defeat as they hosted leaders FC Sprezzatura.
Maybe that was exactly the spur The Dragons needed though as Etienne’s side turned in one of their best performances of the season. Sprezzatura spent the first half chasing shadows, which caught up with them with 41 on the clock when Florica Vulturescu was allowed to drift free from a corner and gleefully fire home.
The pattern was similar after the break. Yes, Sprezzatura did have a chance this half unlike in the first period but otherwise it was all the Greeks. And all that defending wore the visitors down and their tired minds switched off again defending a corner in the final minutes, Laria Sietaridis heading home with 91 on the clock to make the game safe.
That result lifted the Delphinians to second in the table ahead of the final set of matches, but only just – their advantage on Girls Aloud in third is just +1 GD (but also with 5 more goals for, which effectively makes it +1.5). Which opens the possibility of winning against Fembots and not making the play-offs, or losing and doing so! To complicate matters further Fembots are sixth, adrift by two points, so have to win or they are down. Fembots are also three points and -2 GD adrift of Gastele, so the result of Drakaina’s match impacts on the other OTF side… and vice-versa as Gastele face leaders Sprezzatura looking for one point to guarantee safety and three to have an outside shot of the play-offs. If Jdsx’s team get either, then Drakaina can leapfrog Sprezzatura and win the title. It’s going to be a wild one.

Could Viking South Utsira set up a similar grandstand finish to the season in Division 3e? Potentially, but only if they beat bottom of the table side The Norfolk Broads at Ragnar Rock.
Doing so was going to take a substantial chance of recent fortune for The Blood Eagles though, as they came into the game in free-fall. Velvet Android’s side’s chances of levelling out of that were not helped by the loss of Tyra Klovning to an 11-day injury midway through the first half. Nor were they by two goals for Norfolk either side of the interval.
In fact those strikes were killers as Viking were successfully raided by the East Anglians. It didn’t help Norfolk any, they were already relegated. All it meant was Utsira will also go down to Division 4, as they are now guaranteed to finish seventh.

Could Coxy Ladies Wulpen be heading the other way? The Waders trip to Ayrshire to take on Division 4i leaders Spicks Killiettes would go a fair way to determining this.
With Wulpen two points adrift at the start of play, a win was going to take them top but defeat and Janik’s side would have been out of the running for automatic promotion at least and probably with the play-offs out of their hands as well. The game was very closely fought as a result, with only limited goalmouth action in the first half, though if Eva van Sttenberghe had not been flagged offside in the 24th it wouldn’t have remained scoreless. But she was, and it was both at the interval and also as the game ticked into the last 10.
van Sttenberghe had been itching to make up for the goal she had had chalked off and five minutes from time she got her chance as a cross picked her out perfectly. One precise header later and one injury-time scare survived later and The Waders were celebrating a huge win.
It was a victory that took them top of 4i at nearly the perfect time. Nearly but not quite as there is still one match to play, which for The Waders comes against a side who need a positive result to avoid relegation whilst title rivals Killiettes and Busby Babes, who have just lost the Cup Final, loom just a point back with more straightforward matches on paper (pixel). A win gives Coxy Ladies the championship, anything less and they are likely to miss out entirely. It’s going to be a jumpy one.

[Janik]

Another match with lots riding on it was Bombay Green Rockets encounter with Allstar 002. The teams were two of three locked in a tussle to avoid the last Division 5:1 relegation place, and both had to assume the third side was going to win their match (more on that below), making this a massive encounter for both.
HKS3’s Rockets started the match a point behind their visitors but rapidly turned the rolling table around when skipper Tina Nürnberger headed them in front in the opening minute. Bombay went on to dominate the rest of the opening half, but failed to extended their advantage during it.
That would come back to haunt the Green Rockets as Allstar were a different team after the break. Now it was the visitors controlling possession and they were more efficient with their chances as well, levelling on 52 minutes and going ahead from the spot on 72. A disastrous defeat seemed on the cards for Bombay until, and against the run of second-half, Isabel Lock smashed in from 30 yards to bring things back level again at 2-2 on 78 minutes. That was how it finished.
That meant Bombay were dropping back into the drop zone unless AK Heartbreakerz could prevent Arsenal LFC winning.
Mortal Joe’s side had been so close to their first point in his tenure at the leaders the previous week, only to have it snatched away at the death. And in this one they also performed strongly and competitively, still being level at the break after one shot a piece. Unfortunately though Arsenal scored soon after the interval and then another just over 20 minutes from time to send the Heartbreakerz to their 13th defeat from 13.
The Heartbreakerz bottom spot in the table was settled long ago. If Bombay want to avoid going down alongside them they will need a positive result from their final game. The bad news is that this is against top side Invincible Shaolin. There is a silver lining though in Shaolin are now champions after the sides in second and third played out a stalemate. And these teams, who are contesting the play-off spot and are both desperate to win, play the Green Rockets relegation rivals Allstar and Arsenal. So this is another Division going right down to the wire.

LNWR Locomotive were hoping to spin things out until the final day, but to do that The Steamers needed a positive result against promotion chasing 11 de abril FC, or help from elsewhere, or, preferably, both.
Viktor Boskovic’s side gave the first a damn good go, matching their visitors basically toe-to-toe. With little between the sides and limited but not zero chances, it felt like a 1-0 game. And that is exactly what it proved to be. Just, sadly, in 11 de abril FC favour after they struck in the 58th minute.
Defeat put Locomotive on the brink of relegation from Division 5:16 and that was confirmed when the final whistle blew on a 0-0 draw involving relegation rivals Wælcyrie Girls. Last season finished with a play-off defeat that dashed hopes of playing in Division 4. Next season will take place in Division 6. It has been a sad and frustrating campaign at Mollington Street.

There has been little to bemoan about Ullapool Northern Star’s season, but would it still be alive come the final day? That depended on the result against play-off spot rivals Angelic Upstarts and also those of the other two teams chasing second playing elsewhere.
Just two points separated Ullapool, who started the day fifth from second place. If Northern Star could get some sustained pressure going on the Upstarts… but no matter what Delicatemoth’s side tried, they couldn’t. In fact it was more about standing strong themselves and avoiding a killer defeat as their visitors had two-thirds of the ball. The Scots managed this very effectively though, only allowing one shot at Helen Hess’ goal all match and doing so despite losing starting midfielder Renate Klovning to an 11-day injury in the first half.
The draw was far from ideal, but if results elsewhere in Division 5:19 dropped right it would still leave a Ullapool a chance. They nearly did, but not quite: Star, who stayed fifth, find themselves only three points back of second, but stymied by the specific final day match-ups. Even with the best possible set of results they can only climb to third. Still, it has been an excellent season.

Talking of excellent seasons, Kanjeng Ratu Kidul WFC paraded the Division 5:21 trophy around Merapi-Kraton-South Sea prior to their game with The Temptation Within.
The visitors had once been one of The Sea Spirits main rivals for the title, but had fallen away with a few poor results as SeanoftheShed’s side powered through recent weeks. No, though, The Sea Goddesses had little to play for but DV and pride whereas their visitors were still chasing substantive targets. It showed as Kanjeng, aside from a disallowed first half goal from Thao-Ap Luangpruksachat, turned in a somewhat limp performance (one would say ‘hungover’ but being Indonesian makes this less likely) and got hit by two goals in the last 10 minutes to fall 2-0.
Still champions, though.

Recent stutters have significantly threatened Csiki Girls promotion chances. Ad hoc’s side could ill-afford another against opponents FC Amber who retained an outside shot at the play-off place the Csiki’s occupied at kick-off.
The match was tight, with few chances. What proved to be the decisive moment came early on, just 13 minutes in. Frustratingly, it came for the visitors as their forward headed in a cross. Csiki Girls huffed and puffed after that, but never looked like running the Amber light.
The defeat proved costly, but not bankrupting. Top spot has gone as Queens in Uniforms won their game and with it the title. Second place is still possible though, as Csiki’s are only down to third on goal difference. They simply need a better result than Guerreras del Amanecer can pick up, and Amanecer are visiting the champions.

[Janik]

After shocking a promotion contender last time out Rising Stars were looking to continue their climb up the firmament when they travelled to Pokemongänget.
The hosts have a decent squad, good enough in fact to attract a new manager to the club yesterday, but were lacking a hand on the tiller when blamb and his team arrived. The Stars quickly set about their lacklustre hosts, Alice Raposo firing them in front in the very first minute. Sarah Sinclair headed home a corner for the second on 29 minutes, quickly followed by Raposo getting her brace to make it 3-0.
Pokemongänget offered little, not helped by their one seemingly coherent attack seeing a strike at the end of it disallowed. The last strike of the day went to the visitors instead, Melissa de Faria getting the first of her career on 76 minutes.
de Faria is an encapsulation of the devastation created by zombie managers as she is likely a wasted talent – she joined Rising Stars as a very luminous talent, 18/4 with all-rounder, free-kick, shooting power and speed Special Qualities (she must have been worth a theoretical pretty penny), but with no-one to put her in the team she managed just 6 appearances in her first two seasons to now be at 20/4. The SQs are probably enough for her to be worth preserving with, especially with Rising Stars not being able to improve on their current fifth spot in Division 6:3 this term, but it’s unlikely she will ever develop into anything but a competent back-up rather than the radiant player an active manager would have helped her become.

Solent Sirens saunter through the final matches of their Division 6:20 campaign continued with a trip to another side undermined by lack of human management, Wallisellen Cats.
The Cats got as high as Division 3 when they last had an active boss, but then the team aged and he simply abandoned them as they began to slide down the Divisions. Many of their former players are still there, still have the skills with the ball at their feet (7 of the squad are grade-14 or better) but no longer have the mobility (all 7 are aged at least 33). That age profile and lack of direction has seen them sink to the foot of the table with no points to their names.
They were sitting ducks for Captain Flack’s Sirens, who duly took advantage of easy prey. Midfielder Analissa Valdano was the most ruthless, netting a hattrick. Her first opened the scoring on 8 minutes, the middle goal doubled the lead on 16 and she also rounded the day off with the fourth with nine minutes plus stoppages left. The goals were Valdano’s first this season, remarkably enough. Brígida Agra also got in on the act with a strike from range after 74 minutes. That was her second of the campaign as she had been out in the cold during the managerless interregnum, with this just her fourth match of the campaign. Rather a waste for the best striker at the club!
The win kept Solent fifth in Division 6:20, where they should also be at the conclusion of the season as their final game is against a wet-behind-the-ears outfit.

Invisible Ladies only had a theoretical chance of promotion ahead of their game against third-placed side Girl Academy FC. And that would have required both a win for The See-Throughs here and an unlikely result elsewhere.
So the match was more about returning boss Pebblethefish understanding the current state of his squad. The answer would appear to be ‘needs some work’ as they went down 3-0. The scoreline was pretty harsh on the balance of play as Invisible were only out-shot 4-1 and owed rather a lot to the selection of back-up ‘keeper Nkelani Zaidi. But then, she needs minutes on the pitch.
The See-Throughs were also not helped by a double injury for Linette Street, who first picked up a minor knock, attempted to play through it and then did herself considerable (26-day damage). This was the second time in two seasons this has happened to Street; she would appear to be ill-suited to selection in a team not subbing for minor injuries!
As well as officially ending Invisible’s play-off hopes, defeat took away the chance of leapfrogging Girl Academy in the final table. In fact The See-Throughs will probably need to win at play-off bound FC Dames to hang on to the fourth place in Division 6:34 they currently hold.

Hazeldean Inchmistress watching the heels of CF Fuego Eagles running just out of reach in front of them and chewing on the dust the Eagles have thrown up.
Could Foxy265’s girls land a symbolic blow on their rivals in the top-of-the-table meeting in the penultimate round, or would the game at the Ken Higgs Avenue (didn’t this used to be Kofi Annan Avenue??) see Fuego victorious and crowned champions? Would Inchmistress at least end Fuego’s clean sheet record for the season?
Hazeldean gave their visitors the sort of challenge they haven’t had to encounter much this season. However it was still the Eagles who had the edge. And from the 61st minute they also had the lead (having been denied it much early by referee Tony Nolan). That meant the seasonal clean sheet needed to be breached if The Imperials were going to get anything from their day. Kelli Barnes thought she had done just that in the 80th minute, only for the cheer to be choked off as everyone realised Nolan was disallowing it. To compound Framleyshire disappointments, Fuego scored a second three minutes later.
That was how it finished as Fuego’s title was confirmed, and with it Incmistress’ second place finish in Division 6: 43 and therefore progress through to a play-off.

Zeugma Dostluk Spor were effectively one win from the Division 6:53 title when they kicked-off against Chuchas United; Antepli Ejderha girls were three points clear ahead of the penultimate round but also were in possession of a goal difference +10 better than the side in second place, which was effectively an extra half-a-point to the total.
Zeugma went out all guns blazing in the first half. This initially paid dividends as the flurry of chances included Candan Veziroglu’s 9th minute header to give them the lead. However the all-out attack did cover bare at the back if Chuchas could just get it up to their forward line. Which is what they managed on 14 minutes, leading to a shock equaliser.
Stunned and spurred on Zeugma attacked relentless for the rest of the half. They retook the lead on 24 minutes, defender Nazan Cankut heading home. And then, just when it seemed they would go in at 2-1, which was a poor reflection of just how dominant they had been, Latife Kurt added a third on 44 minutes to give the scoreline a more realistic complexion.
Rachel Forsyth made it four on 54 minutes, at which point Zeugma mentally joined their fans in having more concern for reports from Aperta com Elas, the only team who could mathematically challenge them but who were being held 0-0. That lack of focus resulted in a second of the day for Chuchas, but that was of little import as the game was still easily won. Celebrations at the final whistle were a bit muted as fans and players knew that they were practically up but not officially so. Then news broke that Aperta’s game had finished 0-0 and the title could be presented here and now. And with that, the Insan Haklari Stadyumu party really kicked into gear.

The celebrations were already seven days old when Division 6:56 title winners Menywod Maeshafn welcomed Empire Of The Sun to North Wales.
Just like one of the games earlier on in this report, this one was of much more import for the visitors than the OTF side. They were still chasing a play-off spot, though getting it was going to take some luck with other results as well as beating the champions on their own turf. They took a stride to the second bit as Maeshafn were a yard off the pace, Empire scoring twice in the opening half hour to establish a good lead.
That woke IsThatcherdeadYet’s side up as it was hampering the party atmosphere in the ground. More hard-working play created some chances and a goal back on 87 minutes netted by Katherine Barker. No dramatic equaliser though as the visitors wanted the win more and worked their socks off for it.
Defeat doesn’t change Maeshafn status as champions, of course. In fact it didn’t even cut the margin they are winning by as much to Empire of the Sun’s delight second-place side Iron empress fell to a shock defeat to a side towards the foot of the table, continuing the battle to be runners-up to the Welsh outfit to the final day.

[Antepli Ejderha]

Another deserved Guzman to those who've provided write ups, much appreciated by the Zeugma franchise.

I've managed to get promoted in the Xpert Ladies and get a huge squad in the process, I think 5-7 of them will be shipped out as soon as the window opens. Division 5 will be tougher but I'm better equipped this time around so I'm hopeful of staying up. Famous last words I know.

My development values are unsurprisingly not fantastic but I've managed to use three keepers and their values are 14,15 and 15. I thought that was impressive. The only player I've bought who's not developed well is my striker, the one I needed the most. Ho hum.

[Vicarious Thrillseeker]

I've managed to get promoted in the Xpert Ladies

Well done AE. Question - if I change my geographical location, would that make it more likely that we end up in the same division?

[Antepli Ejderha]

Well done AE. Question - if I change my geographical location, would that make it more likely that we end up in the same division?

I've tried to change my location but couldn't. In the Golden League I'm almost always in with teams from Portugal and often the same sides. The Xpert Ladies seems to be a little more random.

Would be nice if you could though.

[Sits]

Framley Obstreporous are the Heineken League team of the month. Hurrah!!

Nice one Foxy. As a matter of interest have you ever looked at the team’s historical performance graph? Perfect ski slope for about twenty seasons.

[Various Artist]

I've tried to change my location but couldn't. In the Golden League I'm almost always in with teams from Portugal and often the same sides. The Xpert Ladies seems to be a little more random.

Would be nice if you could though.

You can't change it unilaterally, no. You gents can write to the Xpert crew though – i.e. Wayne, or I think the likes of Uncle_wilf and Daisy_D may be able to do it too – and ask to have your location altered, and they can do it for you.

If you recall, when I first signed up to the game I accidentally located myself in Afghanistan, which as it amused me (and I was trying to get to the ranking of 'Afghani' number 1) persisted for a year or two until the crew evidently noticed and changed me to England. At that point, I wrote to them and asked if it could be altered to my actual location of Wales, and they obliged.

[Various Artist]

Another deserved Guzman to those who've provided write ups, much appreciated by the Zeugma franchise.

I've managed to get promoted in the Xpert Ladies and get a huge squad in the process, I think 5-7 of them will be shipped out as soon as the window opens. Division 5 will be tougher but I'm better equipped this time around so I'm hopeful of staying up. Famous last words I know.

My development values are unsurprisingly not fantastic but I've managed to use three keepers and their values are 14,15 and 15. I thought that was impressive. The only player I've bought who's not developed well is my striker, the one I needed the most. Ho hum.

And good work AE! We'll be meeting before long, we're set to be only a tier apart next season. Apologies to Janik for providing little cheer in the VSU section of the roundups of late, we've absolutely been in freefall but I hope it'll be worth it as we're giving some youngsters a DV boost that will (fingers crossed) pay off in the slightly longer run.

[Various Artist]

I think I would opt for Vera Linford-Christie myself...and I had to google Anastasia Devine and now wished I hadn't....

Oh...!! I've just done the same. Urgh. I promise you that was a complete coincidence, I didn't mean to send anyone off down that particular route and it certainly wouldn't fit with the values of The Human League.

A lot of the names on my lengthy shortlist don't 'belong' together, especially the ones that have been there longest. I started trying to pun more holistically after a while, but the older ones in particular tend to pair up forename and surname quite randomly – take our veteran striker Alexandra Mitchell-Webb, for instance – or at least were only matched with ones that sounded approximately the right nationality, e.g. Claudia Weiss-Würsse.
And even now I often combine longer surnames with shorter forenames or vice versa (er, no pun intended) purely to make best use of the space, with a max of 24 characters available. 'Devine-Wisdom' is relatively short for a double-barrel (13 characters, compared with Vorderman-Whiteley's 18, say), so I paired it off with one of the longer unaffiliated first names – and 'Anastasia' was simply the first one I came to that fitted the bill.

I'll certainly scrap that potential combo now, though. Have just switched to Amarantha Devine-Wisdom for the time being, which seems to be safe. I'm wondering however if I should pre-emptively google every other pairing just in case...

[lambers]

Thanks again for the write-up Janik.

de Faria is an encapsulation of the devastation created by zombie managers as she is likely a wasted talent – she joined Rising Stars as a very luminous talent, 18/4 with all-rounder, free-kick, shooting power and speed Special Qualities (she must have been worth a theoretical pretty penny), but with no-one to put her in the team she managed just 6 appearances in her first two seasons to now be at 20/4. The SQs are probably enough for her to be worth preserving with, especially with Rising Stars not being able to improve on their current fifth spot in Division 6:3 this term, but it’s unlikely she will ever develop into anything but a competent back-up rather than the radiant player an active manager would have helped her become.

It's actually amazing to me as to just how low the DV is across almost the entire squad, with one game left only four players under 23 have a DV over 10 and highest is 14. There's only one player in the whole squad with a higher DV, and that's the 29 year old keeper! Looking back through the line-ups, it appears that there have been frequent occasions where they have been played out of position, and there's never been any subs, so along with all the terrible results, I guess that explains it.

Speaking of zombie managers, I noticed that my team's history included a stint in the 7th division which no longer exists. Presuming that the 7th division followed the pattern of the other divisions (i.e. 2^x number of sub-divisions), does that mean there was a purge of 1280 teams at some point from The Xpert Ladies?

[Sits]

I actually got a decent youth! 18/5 defender with free kicks in the Brythonnic. Clearly he's now on the market.

[andrew7610]

Presuming that the 7th division followed the pattern of the other divisions (i.e. 2^x number of sub-divisions), does that mean there was a purge of 1280 teams at some point from The Xpert Ladies?

That sounds about right - if you found yourself in Division 7, it wasn't uncommon to be the only active manager and win every game 6 or 7 nil without really needing to set tactics. There was a lot of grumbling to the site owners in the scribble /forum and they did eventually rationalise the league down.

[Various Artist]

There were 64 sub-divisions at Div 7 level, lambers, if I remember correctly – i.e. it was 1:1 between D6 and D7, the pyramid wasn't wider at the base there. At least, I believe that's how it was in the official men's leagues, and I think the Xpert Ladies was the same. With 8 teams per group it would have been 512 purged per league when the structure was reduced by one tier.

Some at least of the men's Xpert leagues also once had a Division 8, believe it or not, albeit not since a while before I joined the game – I think it must've been between 6-7 years ago that it was scrapped. If you look back in long-established teams' club histories though you can still find reference to them playing in, say, Division 8:100, ergo I assume there were 128 parallel divisions at that level.

[Sits]

Gloucester Old Spots, Heineken League:

Whilst workmen were digging a massive hole for a pool with jacuzzi in Mathew Worthington's back garden, a strongbox containing personal letters allegedly written by William Shakespeare was found. After bringing it to the curator of the local museum, who deemed the find of significant historical value, Mathew Worthington donates the collection to the museum. The museum then donates 1 365 500 econ to the club.

Matthew Worthington is a damn fool, his salary is nothing like that much.

[lambers]

Thanks Andrew and VA. I note there's about 150 vacancies in Xpert Ladies at the moment, so the probability is there will be 2 or 3 zombies lurching around in each 6th division at the moment, I can see how having a whole season playing zombies could lead you to disengage yourself.

Sits, it sounds like the lawyers of the Old Spots have drafted quite a contract to be able demand a player's scavenging rights. Hopefully the union should be round shortly...

[Sean of the Shed]

Gloucester Old Spots, Heineken League:

Whilst workmen were digging a massive hole for a pool with jacuzzi in Mathew Worthington's back garden, a strongbox containing personal letters allegedly written by William Shakespeare was found. After bringing it to the curator of the local museum, who deemed the find of significant historical value, Mathew Worthington donates the collection to the museum. The museum then donates 1 365 500 econ to the club.

Matthew Worthington is a damn fool, his salary is nothing like that much.

What concerns me is how a local museum has so much disposable funds that it can donate a seven figure sum to a football club. Sounds dodgy to me.
The Heineken League FFP committee will be examining Gloucester Old Spots finances in fine detail.

[Various Artist]

Yeah, and this is all happening just as they go to the top of the league, too. Suspicious.

[Various Artist]

OTF League roundup for 2nd March: Season 58 round 8

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Division 3
Hampshire Deers continue to make the running in the newcomers' division with a seventh victory from eight, though they were made to work hard for it at The Blomstrands. Two up at the break, the leaders were pegged back to 2-2 inside a 7-minute window around the hour mark, but big midfielder Humphrey Burley barged his way through the home defence at a 77th-min corner to force home the winner. Deers stay 3pts clear of die Ambosse at the top while Blomstrands remain 7th.

The leaders are the only team to have played all 8 rounds so far, ergo it is their turn to sit out the coming game – and indeed the round after that too, as it's midseason doubleheader time starting from Thursday. The next two roundups from HO and myself will thus feature the same pairings of clubs, only reversed, as the OTF League's teams all swing around the halfway buoy in the fixture list and begin the long tack back towards the start and finish line.

The Deers' week off means that despite their 7-1-0 record at their own personal halfway they will still be deposed at the top if die Ambosse win either of their outings in the Hampshire side's absence. Andrew7610's goal machine kept pace on Monday by moving onto 6-1-0 and extending their GD advantage over the Deers to 15(!) after crushing still-pointless Poplar Massive Crew 6-0 at Maureens Pie and Mash. Striker Davide Planceret's spectacular four-timer took his tally to 10 from 7 games, and the Anvils were even able to shrug off the late sending-off of midfielder Bernd Frehn.

Six points further back, New Dresden saw off Eintracht Midwest 3-1 to leapfrog their visitors to 3rd. Dresden's early lead was cancelled out not long before the break, but two quick goals early in the second half took them clear. A last-minute injury to Midwest defender Aidan Riley, moments after using their last sub, confirmed there would be no comeback.

Moving clear into 5th are Cods of War, who insured against a comeback from visitors Llandudno Jet Set by scoring twice in the opening 9 minutes then bagging two more soon after the interval. The Jet Set did indeed pull two back themselves just after the hour, but it was too steep a climb. They remain 7th, two points ahead of Richmond Pride & Purpose who sat the day out.

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Division 2
All 10 positions are unchanged after Monday's games, but the gap between the haves and have-nots increased as all the top 5 won against the bottom 5.
Leaders Athletico Deva thrashed 7th-placed Steaua Bridge 4-0 at the Enormodome to stay 2 points clear at the head of the pack.

2nd-placed Brian Munchingflapjack remain in hot pursuit, albeit by the skin of their teeth after the narrowest result of the day in the third tier; they took the lead early at 8th-placed Pinewood Passers but lost defender Ryan Marr to injury and were pegged back 12 minutes from time. Seth Calder's 88th-minute strike for the Passers was ruled out, though, and the Flappers flew back down the other end where Sture Damberg headed a last-minute winner.

Heffron Hendecagon also bagged their sixth win in eight to sit a point back in 3rd, following the Cods of War trick of scoring twice inside 7 minutes at the start then another three in the 12 minutes after half-time to put Great Northern Railway to the sword 5-0. The visitors' day ended on another sour note when midfielder Rober Luque was dismissed in the closing stages. GNR stay 6th.

Just a further point behind Heffron in 4th are Wednesday de la Zouch, who were convincing 3-1 victors at Veni Vici Vigata thanks to a fine hat-trick from striker Ruben Guapo. VVV remain 9th on 1-0-7 and have a big game next against fellow stragglers Pinewood.

Bottom side Wharfedale Generals Youth of course are even worse off, and remain both pointless and goalless after being dispatched 5-0 by OWC Albion. Bowery Tarpaulin was the hat-trick hero at the Colosseum of Dread, keeping Albion a point behind Wednesday. Only 5pts spans the whole top 5, indeed, but there is now a 6-point chasm opened up between OWC and GNR directly below them.

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Division 1
A fair bit of nothing to write home about here. Leaders Hideous Towns were held to a 1-1 draw at the increasingly aptly-named Saltney Drawers, though admittedly they did take a 6th-minute lead before things went south. Defender In Sang Youk was booked after 10 mins for a stiff challenge that saw Axel Jacklin hobble off – then clearly impressionable 17-year-old Reine Röse, having set his side on their way to victory with his first career goal a week earlier in his 4th outing, followed suit and then some by picking up a straight red card in his 6th, for a brutal challenge on Vic Titball late in the first half. Norris Flipjack equalised for the hosts after an hour, and that was that for the excitement.

All eyes on Criminal Court to see if newly free-scoring Rejects Redux could capitalise by drawing level at the top. Well, no – they and visitors Whoft Fluffopolis cancelled out in a tame 0-0, keeping Rejects two points behind Hideous in 2nd. They remain unbeaten but have drawn 4 from 8. Whoft drop to 5th, now 2 points below the promotion places.

Wensleydale Blues' own unbeaten run was even more lopsided before Monday, when they were on 2-5-0 prior to coming up against Nieuwegein Kneebiters U19s. The Blues still struggled to break the 'Biters down, only taking the lead after an hour, but when Nieuwegein defensive sub Remy Kamstra was carried off on 68' with all replacements already made the Dutch side's luck was over. Two quick goals made the home team's win safe, though they then suffered a baffling spate of three injuries from the 85th minute onwards that will make picking an XI for Thursday a bit tricky. The 'Biters similarly have a quandary at the back, where they have one future freekicking defender crocked and the other suspended for their next fixture.

Wensleydale are up two places to 3rd, the only side in the upper reaches of the table to make a positive move. Aside from Whoft they also nip past Banik Roystonov, another side stalled 0-0 on Monday. Banik had the better of the chances at home to 9th-placed Locomotiv Noj, but could not force a winner and drop to 4th.

The only other club to advance up the table was Kernow Kensa, who a little surprisingly thrashed Eriskay Expression 3-0 at home to climb ahead of them on GD and thereby out of the dropzone to boot.

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OTF
Much more excitement was to be found in the top tier, where we kick off with, um, a virtually chanceless 0-0 draw between Berkshire Swine and Croesoswallt Dragons. The Swine slip two places to 6th, though the Dragons stay top by a point from Vita Mortis, who, er, drew 1-1 with Zeugmaspor at the Hollows.
A meeting of the division's meanest defence (3 goals conceded) and its most potent attack (Zeugma's 15 goals in 7 games) was unbalanced a little by Mortis' lack of actual defenders able to walk, but it took nearly an hour for the visitors to make the breakthrough – and then the hosts promptly levelled two minutes later.
Clearly the Mortis injury crisis was not enough to offset the remarkable hoodoo Zeugma are experiencing against them: AE's team's last win was in April 2016, unbelievably enough. The last 17 seasons have brought 22 meetings, including 2 friendlies, and the head-to-head in that time reads 13-9-0 to the Norfolk side. Even more surreally, simultaneously with this – commencing on the last day of the very same month – the two clubs' female counterparts in The Human League have met a grand total of 19 times and the equivalent H2H there reads 0-9-10 in Zeugma Demir Çelik's favour, whose record against Sandringham Park has never been blemished. You couldn't make this stuff up.

Anyway, Zeugma's men are down to 4th, whilst rebounding right back up to 3rd are Dandy Town: a club to whom the adjective "mercurial" is not normally applied but who are experiencing a wildly fluctuating run of results of late as they adjust to life back in the top division. They were pushed all the way at home by Rock City Ferrets but eventually came out 3-2 winners – Olli Brann's 72nd-minute freekick proving the winning goal after it was bookended by two the same from Bankai Tensa Zangetsu, the second of which came in the 94th minute so unfortunately for the Ferrets too late for a last-ditch rally. It feels rather harsh on RCF but they drop to the bottom of the table as a result.

The clash of the two teams with by far the least top-flight experience of the current cohort saw Four Candles come away 3-0 victors from an entirely one-sided clash at Turd Division. It lifted them to 5th, level on points with Zeugma, while the Turds drop to 9th.

All the new bottom three slide a place, in fact, with the day's happiest side probably being Great Ouse Town, who nicked a 1-0 win at Csiki Monkeys thanks to veteran midfielder Jaumet Arceo's 25th-minute strike. A second straight away win for Ouse vaults them three places, from rock bottom to clean out of the relegation zone by a point, the Monkeys falling to 8th below them.

[scratchmonkey]

Just noting that Richmond P&P are not dead in the water, while I was having my house re-sided, the workmen accidentally pulled the cable with our internet connection, er, off the house.

And then did again three days after we got it repaired.

Am hoping to have internet on something that isn't a phone tether, er, in a week or so? When they're done with the work, hopefully? In any case, apologies, I have managed to duck in twice or so, will try and be more of a regular.

[Sits]

What concerns me is how a local museum has so much disposable funds that it can donate a seven figure sum to a football club. Sounds dodgy to me.
The Heineken League FFP committee will be examining Gloucester Old Spots finances in fine detail.

No they donated it to Worthington not to the Old Spots. Nothing to see here, please move along.

[Sits]

Yeah, and this is all happening just as they go to the top of the league, too. Suspicious.

Don’t you start.

[Hot Orange]

I'd have laughed if the museum had donated it to another club. "Dave, you're going to Methley this evening, aren't you? Can you take something for me?"

[Various Artist]

Just noting that Richmond P&P are not dead in the water, while I was having my house re-sided, the workmen accidentally pulled the cable with our internet connection, er, off the house.

And then did again three days after we got it repaired.

Am hoping to have internet on something that isn't a phone tether, er, in a week or so? When they're done with the work, hopefully? In any case, apologies, I have managed to duck in twice or so, will try and be more of a regular.

Sorry to hear about your internet travails SM, that's bad luck twice over by the sound of it. Don't worry, P&P aren't going anywhere, and as you might note from my above report they just had the first of their two bye rounds (due to the uneven number of teams in Div 3) this season, so you won't have missed anything on Monday. As it's the midseason doubleheaders today and next Mon, when you'll face the same opponent home and away before the fixture list goes into reverse, the followup bye round will also be arriving next Thursday for that matter.

Incidentally, you may or may not be aware that you can save tactics/lineup for multiple games in advance should you desire – so if you've only got intermittent access you could set up, at least roughly, for a few upcoming fixtures at once...?
Go to the Matches tab in-game, scroll down past the results from Matches Played, and you'll find Coming Matches. Next to each fixture listed there is a little paper-and-pen icon. Click on that, and it'll take you to the tactics setup for that particular game.

[Various Artist]

No they donated it to Worthington not to the Old Spots. Nothing to see here, please move along.

Ahem:

Mathew Worthington donates the collection to the museum. The museum then donates 1 365 500 econ to the club.

Methinks Mr Remote protests too much...