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**EIM** · 26-03-2008, 22:13

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

14 views?

Well, my 13 chums, we get to all laugh at the other losers who aren't as In The Know as we are.

FC United 3-0 Chorley

Two for Rory Patterson to make him the league's top scorer. And Rudd with another last minute goal.

So up to fourth we go, five points behind Curzon Ashton in third, but with three games in hand.

**Anton Gramscescu** · 26-03-2008, 23:43

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Explain the lower reaches of the English pyramid to me, EIM. Once you win all your games in hand and gain promotion, where do you go? What league will you play in next year? How long until you reach the league?

**mirko bolesan** · 26-03-2008, 23:59

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

This is the odd league with 18 teams in it where they play 42 matches a season isn't it?

Has this skewed the league in any way?

**EIM** · 27-03-2008, 00:08

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Should we get promoted this season we'll play in the Northern Premier League Premier Division. Or whatever the fuck its proper name is. Most people just call it by its sponsor's name - The Unibond Premier.

The Unibond Prem is tier 3 of the non league system. There are three leagues at this level, based in different regions. As a side point, Newcastle Blue Star in our division have asked to be relegated back to the Northern Counties East League (tier 5) as they can't afford the constant travel across the country.

From The Unibond Prem, promotion takes you to the Conference North division, which is a step below the Football Conference, the top flight for non league teams.

Essentially, we're four promotions away from playing League Football. But that's a long, long way off, and it's questionable, given the way our club was founded, and the principles we are run on, if we can ever play at that level. Most fans seem to think we'll find our level between Conference North and Unibond Prem. Others pine for the days of the North West Counties League. Some want us to go all the way in to the league structure.

Most, me included, don't give a fuck where we play, as long as we're still having a laugh and downing the ales.

**EIM** · 27-03-2008, 00:15

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Fuck me. Two people.

Yeah, it has skewed the league. Quite a bit. And given a slight unfair advantage to Bradford Park Avenue.

Our division is split in to two conferences, East and West. Every team plays each other twice, and then plays an extra game against the other teams in your conference.

This basically means that BPA (and Curzon Ashton) don't play the other top five sides three times. Which is an unfortunate quirk, but one, given the proximity of the top five teams in the table at this stage of the season, that could prove important.

**EIM** · 27-03-2008, 00:37

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

And here are the remaining fixtures for the top four teams (matches in bold denote games against other top four side):

Skem:
29/3 Ossett Alb (a)
1/4 FC Utd (h)
5/4 Clitheroe (h)
12/4 Radcliffe (h)
19/4 Garforth (a)
21/4 Eastwood (n) League Challenge Cup Final
23/4 Harrogate R (a)
26/4 Curzon (h)

Bradford PA:
29/3 Garforth (h)
2/4 Newcastle BS (a)
5/4 Curzon (a)
7/4 FC Utd (h)
9/4 Harrogate Town (n) West Riding County Cup Final
12/4 Wakefield (h)
14/4 Bridlington (h)
19/4 Woodley (a)
21/4 Ossett A (h)
26/4 Rossendale (a)

Curzon:
29/3 Harrogate R (a)
1/4 Radcliffe (a)
5/4 Bradford PA (h)
12/4 Harrogate R (a)
15/4 Bamber Bridge (a)
19/4 Clitheroe (h)
23/4 Newcastle BS (a)
26/4 Skem (a)

FC Utd:
29/3 Lancaster (h)
1/4 Skem (a)
3/4 Ossett A (a)
5/4 Wakefield (a)
7/4 Bradford PA (a)
9/4 Harrogate R (a)
12/4 Lancaster (h)
15/4 Radcliffe (a)
17/4 Radcliffe (n) League Presidents Cup Final
19/4 Newcastle BS (a)
23/4 Woodley (h)

**My Name Is Ian** · 27-03-2008, 07:39

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

AG: The non-league system is called the "pyramid", because it fans out into a pyramid shape. The Conference, at the top, is national, and relegates into the Conference North and South. The Conference North relegates into the (BGB) Southern League (the south-west, south and Midlands) and the (Unibond) Northern Premier League (the north), and the Conference South relegates into the (BGB) Southern League and the (Ryman) Isthmian League (London, the south east and south coast). They then all have regional second divisions of their own.

A situation has arisen at the bottom of the Conference this season in which it's highly likely that all four of the relegated Conference clubs with be from the north, which may mean some shuffling between the Conference North & Conference South - at the moment, Tony Kempster (who is the expert on such things) has Worcester City transferring from the Conference North into the Conference South).

His predictions are here: http://www.tonykempster.co.uk/maps08-09.htm

**EIM** · 27-03-2008, 20:20

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Jeepers creepers. We've got our Swabba back.

Back in the day, when the club was still in its infancy, as opposed to the grand old man of football it is now of course, we played a team from Barrow called Holker Old Boys.

We sent Holker Old Boys back to Barrow thoroughly chastened, as was our way back in the heady, care-free days of the North West Counties League. But David Swarbrick didn't want to go back to Barrow. He liked it in Manchester/Bury. He giggled at Besses o'th'Barn just like the rest of us. He, and his father, were Manchester United fans. The pair of them liked what we had going on at FC United. So off he went to our manager, Karl Marginson, cap in ahnd and asked if he could play for us.

Course he could.

And he was with us for over a season, before injury and loss of fitness saw him sent back to Barrow, this time to play for Barrow, in an attempt to get fit. He didn't play for Barrow much, so didn't get fit, so he was sent off to Lancaster City, who we share a division with now.

We were all sad to see him go. We were sad, Margy was sad, his Dad was sad, Swabba was sad. But Lancaster were as pleased as the jugs of expensive punch my mate Ashley sells in his trendy Lancaster cocktail bar, 'Mint'.

Swabba has got back to full fitness, and in their last two games, has been their best player. Lancaster City's next game is against FC United of Manchester, a must win game for FC United should they want to win automatic promotion. Swabba, of course, wants to see this happen. We all want to see this happen. So this week, Dave Swarbrick, back to full fitness, back to top form, has returned to FC United to help boost their title hopes.

Lancaster aren't happy. Their manager has suggested that, in the long term, it was probably a stupid move. We don't think so. Nor does Swabba.

**EIM** · 30-03-2008, 07:52

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Another last minute goal in an FC United game, but this time an equaliser for Lancaster City. In a game rendered farcical by the shitty weather, Sam Ashton drowned in his goal mouth, going under for the third time just as Lancaster's last ditch effort hit the target. It finished 2-2, and with it goes our slim chance of winning the title. Ah well. We've won titles before. We've never experienced play-offs though. It's not about the destination, it's about the journey, and all that.

Everyone else won, except for Skem. I think they drew, but I'm too hungover to check.

**EIM** · 01-04-2008, 13:50

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

If you're going to Skelmersdale
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to Skelmersdale
You're gonna meet some gentle people there

Oh it's a biggie tonight. I am going to ignore Manchester United's match in Rome, and istead listen intently to FCUM Radio, as my lovely boys in red, white and black do battle against the 'are they Scouse, are they not?' baddies from up the table.

And while all the talk in the press has been about potential trouble in the Stadio Olimpico, I remind my faithful reader(s) about the heavy handed policing suffered by a group of Reds on a previous visit to Skem. They were brutally asked to leave due to their bad language. The Kick Swearing Out Of Football campaign sadly stalled after that match, but Reds be fucking vigilant. You don't want to miss this cunting game for something so trivial. Get all your bastarding swearing out of the sodding way.

Anyway, despite Saturday's disappointment, many insane FC United fans remain confident of Championship Glory. They point out that all we need to do is win every remaining game, and that'll see us as Champs. Righto then. Piece of piss. Your blind optimism thrills me.

My predo for tonight is this: defeat. We will lose. By two goals. This doesn't bring me joy to say, but I say it nevertheless. We shall be defeated. And next Monday, when we play BPA, we shall be defeated again. Ah well. There's always the play offs/next season.

**My Name Is Ian** · 01-04-2008, 22:33

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

So, 0-0 at Skem then, hmm? They played the 1967 FA Amateur Cup Final against Enfield - the Enfield goalkeeper saved a last minute penalty for a 0-0 draw and Enfield won the replay at Maine Road.

Anyway, the league table still looks pretty encouraging with them tucked into fifth place and with games in hand. They're going to have to go some to overhaul Bradford, but, you know, why not? I didn't realise that the guy Paterson had scored 30-odd goals this season, either.

**EIM** · 01-04-2008, 22:43

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

I was just deciding whether or not to let this thread sink to the bottom and die an ignominious death, like the shark in the novel Jaws. Instead, we're going to have to stick an air cannister in it and rather infeasibly blow the thing up. Smile, you son of a bitch.

Anyway, 0-0 it was. And again, everyone else won. Curzon Ashton managing to do so with nine men, and a - wait for it - last minute goal. It's fucking daft the number of ninetieth minute strikes in this division.

So, baring in mind we HAVE to win all our remaining games, and we wont, I'm settling for the play offs. We just need to finish as high as we can so we ensure home advantage.

Rory Patterson is incredible. He's playing so far beneath his level it's untrue. There's an opinion in non league circles that Mister Patterson has a stinking attitude, and it tends to keep clubs away from him. This is mega. He does have a stinking attitude, but as long as he's scoring at a rate of more than one a game, we can put up with it. Margy appears to be able to coax the best out of him, and although we occasionally have to put up with him shooting from corners, yelling at players, and acting the twat, we put up with it because he's our Rory Patterson and he's playing for us.

The danger is that if he loses the attitude, and becomes an even better player for us, he'll end up playing for someone, you know, good.

**My Name Is Ian** · 01-04-2008, 22:55

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Well, you need one of those, don't you? St Albans' season turned around when their short, completely bald, mad goalkeeper, Paul Bastock, returned from nine months in exile. They've had five wins in six games since then - sixteen points in six matches when they'd managed twenty points in the previous thirty-one matches. I was even half-considering going to their match at Welling on Saturday, but that's an absolute nightmare of a journey.

Do the play-offs work the same as the Ryman League?

(By that, I mean does finishing second in the same way as it would in the Ryman League?)

**EIM** · 01-04-2008, 23:03

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Yeah. I think so. 2nd v 5th, 3rd v 4th. Then the final played at the highest placed team's home ground.

**My Name Is Ian** · 01-04-2008, 23:07

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

All to play for, then. I keep an occasional half an eye on the Wimbledon messageboard/guestbook place, and it's only been over the last few weeks that they've woken up to the fact that if they couldn't finish top, then they had to keep going in order to finish second. Finishing second and having home advantage for those matches would be a massive bonus, especially for clubs like FCUM and AFCW, who can, I dare say (in the case of FCUM, at least) create a pretty daunting atmosphere if they set their minds to it.

**EIM** · 01-04-2008, 23:11

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

I think I'm temporarily moving back up North for a few weeks. Maybe just until the end of the season. Mind, there's little point. We've only got two home games left. But still. Play offs and a cup final to think about too.

**My Name Is Ian** · 01-04-2008, 23:18

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

The problem with relegation battles is that there isn't the prospect of play-offs, cup wins or anything exciting like that - merely the prospect of another season of matches against teams like Bognor Fucking Regis Town and Weston Super Cunting Mare. Still, the upturn in form has led to a spreading belief that, with a little tweaking, this team could end up challenging for a place in the Conference again next season. It can't be as exciting as 2005/06, though, when I went to more or less ever match home and away.

It's no good. However much money they're spunking on players, I can't bring myself to dislike Bradford Park Avenue that much.

**EIM** · 01-04-2008, 23:25

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Go on their message board. Read about their chairman. Spend some fucking time with the cunts. It worked for me.

**My Name Is Ian** · 01-04-2008, 23:38

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Well, I'm not terribly keen on anywhere that has a running track around the pitch. I'll have a look at their message board, but I suspect that two and a half decades of non-league football have hardened me to the worst excesses of the non-league football supporter.

**EIM** · 01-04-2008, 23:41

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Well, actually their message board isn't too bad. I just don't like their offensive riches and success.

http://www.markemtighter.co.uk/archive.html

Is pretty funny, mind.

**My Name Is Ian** · 01-04-2008, 23:48

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

There are some great pictures of their old ground at Park Avenue here:

http://tinyurl.com/32ejl4

I'm not completely certain about this, but I even think that I'm geeky enough to know more or less when those photos were taken (I think it was about 1980).

**Moonlight Shadow** · 02-04-2008, 07:35

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Tell you what, once the misery of seeing my team survive in the Premiership is over with, I'm looking forward to playoffs games involving Stalybridge Celtic and, possibly, FCUM, that should be good fun.

**Crusoe** · 02-04-2008, 07:48

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

Is the NPL Division 1 North the equivalent of the snappily-titled British Gas Business League Division 1 South & West?

If so, then Farnborough FC are probably on a par with FC United (new club, hoping to move on up, etc). We've made it to the top spot and can hopefully hang on for the remaining games:

FARNBOROUGH - pld 38, pts 82, g.d. 69
FLEET - pld 38, pts 76, g.d. 28
OXFORD CITY - pld 38, pts 75, g.d. 41
DIDCOT - pld 37, pts 72, g.d. 50

We're also possibly the most disliked club in the division - new boys who've splashed cash to sign the best players from rivals (like Michael Bartley from Didcot), received a �150,000 grant to build a new stand, and have gone through 50 first-team players so far this season (one more last night). Just to add bile-flavoured icing to the cake, we also one of Dennis Wise's relatives playing for us.

**EIM** · 03-04-2008, 18:47

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

If the Reds should play in Yorkshire every day
We'll be there, we'll be there
Yes if the Reds should play in Yorkshire every day
Tell the boys that we'll be there

Except I wont, of course. I'll be sat in a dingy room, high up on a hill overlooking South East London. What I've done to deserve being here remains a terrible mystery. A mystery much more terrible than the ones in Poe's 'Murder On The Rue Morgue'. A fucking Orang-utan, I ask you. Well I can honestly say I didn't see that twist coming.

Anyway, tonight FC United play away at Ossett Albion, at the start of their Yorkshire mini-tour. We face four games in Yorkshire in the next week. Following our Ossett excursion we travel to Wakefield, Bradford and Harrogate.

Ossett are cheekily sneaking up behind us, ready to steal out play-off place if we're not careful. We have to win tonight. Ok, so the Championship is probably beyond us, but if we don't get in the play offs, I'll set my monkey loose on you all. And then you'll end up stuffed the wrong way up a chimney. I can't stand another season in this crazy league - we've not lost since November, we should be fucking miles clear.

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The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

The 'BPA are Champions' npl div 1 north thread

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