The Squire's Tale - Matchgoing 1st - 5th May

[Artificial Hipster]

Squire's lane, Hindsford for me for a Manchester League cup tie with Old Altrinchamians. For the second time in a week I'll have company, having managed to persuade an old school friend who lives nearby to join me for what will be only the third game we've ever attended together. The first, 27 years ago was at Ajax and while I have no particular recollection of what condition we were in I can take an educated guess. Fast forward 16 years to 2011 and the visit of FCUM to Spotland, a match we watched from different stands and which he recalls with somewhat more fondness than I. We met in the pub a good couple of hours before the game, the upshot being one of only two occasions I've been so drunk for a match that I barely registered the result (the other being another 2-3 defeat, against Stockport in the Play Off Final).

We're meeting at the pub before this one. The bar will be open all game. I'll be cycling home by the Bridgewater Canal. What could possibly go wrong!

[Ray de Galles]

I think I'm off to Staines Lammas v AFC Royal Holloway for another tie in the Surrey Elite Intermediate League's Covid Cup (that name doesn't sound any better with time).

I've previously seen Lammas during their stint in the Combined Counties League when they groundshared with Ashford Town at their stadium near Heathrow. They've since had to drop out of the CCL after returning to their Lucan Pavilion ground (the second in a growing number of Stadiums That Sound Like Arthur Conan Doyle Characters) as it currently has no floodlights.

Royal Holloway have (relatively recent) roots as an old boys team for the college, unsurprisingly.

I keep forgetting that Monday is a bank holiday, which might present some opportunities for a match or two. I need to check out which leagues are running their fixtures that day.

[Simon G]

Tewkesbury Town Pumas u10s are at home to Bredon AFC u10s on Saturday morning, and I'll be back in my rightful position on the touchline after last week's refereeing display.

Bredon appear to be the best team in our division - I don't think they've lost a game this season - but my boys are on a bit of a roll having won two of the last three, and being much the better team in the third game that was a defeat.

No counting of chickens though, we'll play it by ear and see how we get on.

[elguapo4]

Bohs at home to Derry City tomorrow night, my brother's getting in to this one as well.

[Artificial Hipster]

Bohs at home to Derry City tomorrow night, my brother's getting in to this one as well.

Did you happen to watch the documentary that was on the BBC over here recently that chronicled the rebirth of Derry City as a League of Ireland team? I found it fascinating, often moving and occasionally dryly funny, notably the recollections of how Martin McGuinness was fortuitously on hand when the call of "is there a bomb disposal expert in the house?" was issued after the game with Benfica found itself under threat. I'd be curious to know how someone closer to events found it though.

[elguapo4]

Did you happen to watch the documentary that was on the BBC over here recently that chronicled the rebirth of Derry City as a League of Ireland team? I found it fascinating, often moving and occasionally dryly funny, notably the recollections of how Martin McGuinness was fortuitously on hand when the call of "is there a bomb disposal expert in the house?" was issued after the game with Benfica found itself under threat. I'd be curious to know how someone closer to events found it though.

I mentioned it briefly on the League of Ireland thread, but there's no doubt that the formation of the second tier, and especially Derry City's part of it, gave the league a huge boost, because if football was dying in the UK, in Ireland it was dead. In 1986, the Irish national team were at a low ebb, the World Cup campaign had just finished with a 1.4 home defeat to Denmark. I don't know what the crowd was , but it was pitifully low, with more than half being Danes celebrating their first qualification. We were still miles away from that, and the appointment in November of an ex Sheffield Wednesday and Newcastle manager hardly raised spirits.

The league of Ireland itself was moribund, with no relegation, there was no reason for unsuccessful teams to push themselves, and the fact that an invincible Shamrock Rovers side were in the middle of four leagues and three cups in a row didn't help crowds either. In this context, the decision of Derry City to join the league, having been regularly rebuffed by the Irish league, was a gift to local football. You had towns like Newcastle West in Limerick ( home of Newcastle United, and yes they wore black and white stripes) with a population of 6,000 suddenly doubling on one Sunday a year. Surprisingly, they didn't win the league, Bray Wanderers, who also caught the local imagination, pipped them to the first championship. 35 years later, Derry City are still a valued member of the league, every so often they make threats to go back to the Irish league when something goes against them, but a united Irish league is more likely than that.

[Artificial Hipster]

Ah I didn't pick up on the fact that Derry were effectively joining and providing huge impetus to a freshly re-organised league structure.

Things didn't work out badly with the ex-Sheffield and Newcastle manager either did they! Now there was a documentary that literally moved me to tears.

[Uros Predic]

The top two in the Bromley & South London League Premier Division, Old Roan and FC Greenwich, play each other tomorrow. Not sure whether I will be able to get into the grounds it's being played on to watch, but it's only an hour and ten minutes walk away, so least I'll have had some fresh air and avoided listening to Rovers latest defeat if I can't.

[elguapo4]

Bohemian Fc 1 Derry City 2.

There's an old saying about poker " if you haven't figured out who the rube is after 3 hands in the game, you're the rube " Well after 8 league games and nearly a quarter of the season, we're definitely the rube.

Last night was our season so far in microcosm, early pressure and loads of chances followed by a 12th minute penalty should have sent us on our way against an obviously nervous Derry City, although when Derry hit the crossbar with a free header from a free kick it should have warned us what was coming.

The second half was the same, loads of possession and pretty passing moves finishing with a poor final ball or a rushed shot. As the half went on, Derry realised that they had a chance, and deservedly got an equaliser when centre back Cameron McJannet scored with another free header from a corner after 78 minutes. In fairness that woke us up, and we had another couple of near misses, with Derry players bravely putting their bodies on the line.

On 87 minutes came the stunner, a pathetic attempt to play offside left McJannett on his own on the penalty spot, he made no mistake to leave us two points of bottom place.

As my brother said at the end, corners and free kicks are like penalty kicks now, and with goals hard to come by at the other end, it's already looking grim. Drogheda United away on Monday will be watched from behind the sofa. If we lose that, then the pressure will really build on Keith Long, something i would have thought impossible two months ago.

[Southport Zeb]

Two games and 15 goals in Greater Manchester today. First up was a match in the second division of the Manchester Saturday Morning League between Barr Hill and Hewlett. This was played at Bolton Road Playing Fields in Salford, next to the main road but with access from a minor road accessed via one way system that wasn't marked on my map. Barr Hill raced away in the first half, taking a 3-0 lead before the visitors got one back just before the break. The second half was a bit of a non-event, with the hosts adding one more. I was glad there were some trees within sight of the pitch, as the cover was much appreciated as it hailed for much of the first half. Another sheltering spectaor was forced to leave the cover when his dog ran off and decided to carry out a brief pitch invasion.

I then went to Rochdale and Firgrove Playing Fields, which I discovered were just round the corner from curiously named Uncouth Street. Hosts Saddleworth 3Ds led 4-0 at half time, which wasn't really a fair reflection of the game - it was more a case of the home side taking their chances whilst visiting Todmorden didn't take theirs; a penalty sent blazing over the ball was typical of the visitors efforts. Todmorden finally scored at the start of the second half but Saddleworth scored again within seconds. A second visiting goal again resulted in another instant reply, leaving the score as 6-2 after around an hour. A nasty challenge saw a home player sent off before Todmorden threatened a comeback, closing to 6-4 before they had a player of their own sent off.

[Simon G]

Tewkesbury Town Pumas u10 1-7 Bredon AFC Juniors u10

One of those days when a team are just that bit too good. As expected Bredon had the majority of the ball and scored almost at will. The team we were playing should be in the top division and not the bottom. Tewkesbury has 3 teams at u10, my team are in the bottom of 3 divisions, the Panthers are in the middle and Colts are in the top division. Bredon's only defeat this season was in the cup to the Colts and that was a 1-0 with the goal coming with the last kick of the game.

Take nothing away from my boys though, they put up a magnificent fight and they were complimented by the opposition coach after the game for the way they kept their positions and kept battling to the end. We did hit the bar at 2-0 down and at 1-0 down one of my players wasted two glorious opportunities to pass across the box to unmarked men rather than shooting from the tightest of angles, something we've worked on with the lad, but he just wants the glory all the time. He was delighted when he scored at 4-0 down.

All in all, we've certainly played worse and got better results. We'll have a better chance next week against a team more at our level.

[Artificial Hipster]

I then went to Rochdale and Firgrove Playing Fields, which I discovered were just round the corner from curiously named Uncouth Street.

Having been past it countless times I've long wondered how it got its name. Alas no one seems to know.

[Artificial Hipster]

Hindsford 3-1 Old Altrinchamians
Manchester League Gilgryst Cup

The visitors won the toss and elected to play up the most pronounced slope I think I've ever seen on a football pitch. The first 25 minutes were scrappy - good passes were met with poor control while good control was invariably followed by a poor pass. Eventually though it was the home side, in red, who took control, essentially wrapping the game up before half time with 2 goals in quick succession following a spell of sustained pressure.

I missed the first as I was queuing at the bar. It's a decent set up they have here at Squires Lane, the bar cum function room has an extended roof offering a decent amount of cover. Disappointingly my efforts to find out whence the fame and the name on the sign on the proclaiming it the "world famous sprinkler stand" drew a blank. As for Hindsford's nickname - the Tonics - I'm guessing that it derives from the Gin Pit Colliery formerly located a mile or so from the ground.

The second goal was swept home from just inside the box following a cross from the right. The home side continued to have the best of what for the most part were half chances in the second period but it was Alts who scored next with around 15 to go. I saw it go in but long before I arrived home became aware that I had already completely erased it from my memory. The visitors may have had hopes then of snatching an unlikely draw but having lost their previous 2 games 3-1 probably feared the worst. I can't imagine that anyone expected the final significant action of the game to be a peach of a free kick curled in from 30 yards though.

I wasn't expecting to have to cycle home through a freak dusting of hailstones but fortunately my journey was otherwise uneventful. Oh apart from the relegation which was confirmed half way that is.

[Ray de Galles]

Staines Lammas 1 AFC Royal Holloway 3
Surrey Elite Intermediate League Covid Cup
The Lucan Pavilion Recreation Ground

One of the problems with the one-off competitions that have sprung up to fill the post-lockdown spring is working out where the teams stand with regard to progressing in them. That was exacerbated for this penultimate group stage fixture by the social media blackout this weekend. It's hard to work out what teams might have to play for, which is placed in to stark contrast when one is following relegation battles going on elsewhere behind closed doors.

Judging by the levels of commitment (with one exception I'll get to later) this game seemed to have something riding on it for both teams. That was demonstrated by the fact that the very impressive referee was constantly having to calm the players down with warnings about the consequences of their fouling and dissent. The home team were particularly at fault and this led to them pretty much losing the game before the break.

A series of cynical fouls gave Holloway the opportunity to build up immense pressure with attacking free kicks until one was ineffectively headed out straight to a forward who volleyed in (I managed to catch the ball on it's way towards goal in the photo below). This just angried up the Lammas players even more and their right back was eventually sin-binned after ignoring repeated words from the ref for dissent. This almost immediately led to a second as the visitors waltzed through midfield before a wide man crossed for an unmarked forward to chip in from the penalty spot.

There was a half time substitution from the hosts, it was possibly tactical in response to the two goal deficit but I did hear chatter between one squad member and some spectators that "...he did say he could only play the first half and had to leave...". It didn't really help either way as they soon conceded again after an excellent move down the left led to their winger being taken out in the box well after executing a cutback that came to nothing. More excellent refereeing saw a penalty awarded that was slotted home.

The game kind of meandered from there and I was increasingly distracted by the news from Plough Lane, Spotlands and Hull. I missed the award of a penalty to Staines but did see their player fail to convert it and caught their young left sided forward confirm his status as their best player with the goal of the game - a lovely first touch and volley in to the far corner of the net.

A late hailstorm forced most of the fifty or so spectators to watch the final stages from the gazebos set up outside the near pavilion that gives the ground its name. I stuck it out until the final whistle before sheltering in the car until R5 finally confirmed Wimbledon's escape from the drop for another season.

[Ray de Galles]

Windlesham & Chobham United 1 Newbury 1
Thames Valley Premier League
Chobham Recreation Ground

I squeezed in a Bank Holiday Monday game as I'm busy midweek and...well, because it was Bank Holiday Monday. There wasn't an awful lot of choice for afternoon kick-offs (though a surprising amount of 11am and evening options) so I went for an option relatively close to home. My 50th game of a fitful, restricted and (even by my standards) peculiarly obscure football season.

The home side are the product of a confusing series of mergers, groundshares and defunct clubs and playing at a relatively spartan rec medium term until their own grandiose-sounding "Field Of Remembrance" ground is renovated, when I suspect they may drop the Chobham from their name again. They're relatively new in the TVPL while visitors Newbury and their predecessor club have a long history in the more storied Hellenic and Isthmian Leagues and the contrast seemed to upset the latter throughout.

The gale that raged from the Adventure Playground end of the pitch to the Tesco Express end made it incredibly difficult for whoever was playing in to it and had an impact on much of the game. The fact that W&C failed to take any advantage of having it at their backs in the first half, with Newbury looking the more composed, made me feel that the visitors would probably control the second period. They were certainly the brighter after the break, managing to force saves with wind-assisted free kicks from just outside the centre circle and even in their own half.

Newbury's goal eventually came with an assist from the conditions when a corner was swung in to the gust and ended up looping under the bar, though I'm not sure if the goal was officially given to the corner taker or the defender who tried to head it off the line but succeeded only in diverting it in to the roof of the net. They really should have gone on to win comfortably from there but for the antics of their number 7, quite the biggest prick I've seen playing football at any level for a long, long time.

I'd noticed him early doors repeatedly caroming in to opposing players; a gold-booted, heavily fake-tanned, tattoo-covered, tattily highlighted/shaven-haired, 'roid rage gym bunny who was the biggest whiner on the pitch throughout the game. During the second half alone he grabbed opponents around the throat four times, checking in advance that the ref wasn't looking on each occasion, seemingly getting away with every one despite the home players & crowd screaming to draw the officials' attention to it.

He finally got a straight red after around seventy minutes. I didn't quite see the impact of the challenge he got his marching orders for but was told it was pretty wild and would have been his fourth or fifth bookable offence at least. After leaving the field and crossing the "respect rope" he stood around the sidelines trying to look intimidating with a baseball cap, bench coat and sliders on for the rest of the match. When the home captain managed to squeeze a free kick through the hands of the keeper to score ten minutes later he and most of his team ran in our orange friend's direction to strike bodybuilder poses in celebration which was delicious.

The game petered out after that, W&C would have got a winner if they'd showed much composure but it never came. As I went back to the car there was a faint air of potential aggro still floating around but I didn't hang around to see if it flared up in to anything.

[Artificial Hipster]

CMB 4-0 Walshaw Sports
Bolton Hospital Cup Semi Final (played at Fox Park, Stoneclough)

This was an unexpected bonus. A cup semi at a ground I'd earmarked to visit. The whole journey being uphill into a headwind I only just made kick off from which Bury-based Walshaw immediately drew 2 good saves from their opponents' keeper. This would prove to be their best spell of the game.

CMB began life in 1971 as the works team for drinks can manufacturers Carnaud Metal Box in Bolton. The factory closed at the turn of the millennium by which time the club had already folded, only to reform after a gap of a couple of years at a new home just down the road by Chew Moor Brook allowing them to retain the initials by which they are known. They play in the Premier Division of the West Lancs League, the same level as their Manchester League opponents but were a class above them throughout.

They took the lead around the 15 minute mark with a hooked shot on the turn from just inside the box. 20 scrappy minutes followed before they got a firm hold of the game, only some fine saves from Walshaw's keeper preventing them from extending their lead before half time. Walshaw will point to the red card and subsequent penalty award after their defender pulled back a forward who looked certain to score as being the game's decisive moment but they were well and truly on the ropes by then anyway. The penalty duly despatched (pictured) CMB threatened to score at will, though to be fair to Walshaw they didn't let their heads drop and were only the width of the crossbar from grabbing the goal which could have made things interesting. As it was the reprieve was the spur CMB needed to put the game to bed. The last 10 minutes belonged to their left back who produced some neat skill and a superb dinked pass for no.11 to collect and slip the ball past a keeper who was struggling by then with injury, a fact the left back was clearly wise to, coolly lobbing him from the edge of the box with the last meaningful action of the game.

With a steep bank of trees running the length of the opposite touchline to that shown here and a mill chimney looming above the trees behind one goal, Fox Park is a great setting for a football ground. Some of the football scenes from The English Game were filmed here, for which the stand and the fencing in the second picture was built.

[Ray de Galles]

What exactly is a "Hospital Cup" and is it purely a northern phenomenon?

I saw elsewhere that the fixture above had an attendance of about 160/170 which seems impressive, is that the norm for this competition at the semi-final stage?

[Artificial Hipster]

It's purely a Bolton thing as far as I'm aware, originally run to raise money so that commentary of Wanderers' games could be supplied to local hospitals.

As for the crowd figure this may have been the highest but I've not been to a badly attended game since fans were allowed back. Cup football is clearly a draw and the weather has helped but I think the biggest factor is simply that this is the highest level fans can attend and people who haven't dropped this low before are finding it a hugely enjoyable experience. I certainly am.

[Ray de Galles]

Yes, I suppose I've been to one eleventh tier game with a 200+ crowd since the restart and heard of a few more in the leagues I've been seeing where you wouldn't normally expect such a level of attendance.

The fact that spectators are still restricted to public pitches (and that even then some clubs/leagues are discouraging fans) has made everything harder though. Certainly in the games I saw in between lockdowns where enclosed grounds were open attendances were double/triple the norm.

I wonder if there's a higher preponderance of public pitches in other parts of the country than there is in the south-east, here it seems most step 7 clubs play in private stadia which severely limits the choice.

[Simon G]

What exactly is a "Hospital Cup" and is it purely a northern phenomenon?

I saw elsewhere that the fixture above had an attendance of about 160/170 which seems impressive, is that the norm for this competition at the semi-final stage?

Not in football, but the Cheltenham Skittles League play for the Hospital Cup. Every player has to put at least a pound in a glass and the collection was given to the League who then donated it to the local hospital. Now I think it's just given to a number of charities rather than just the local hospital (I stopped playing skittles 8 years ago to play darts - where we play for the Charities Cup).

[Artificial Hipster]

I wonder if there's a higher preponderance of public pitches in other parts of the country than there is in the south-east, here it seems most step 7 clubs play in private stadia which severely limits the choice.

A few clubs are still sticking to the rules but with the exception of Furness Vale every game I've attended has been on private land. With at least one club having advertised an earlier game as BCD it seems to me that having seen that other clubs have been allowing fans in with no repercussions increasing numbers are just thinking, what the hell, and following suit.

[Artificial Hipster]

What exactly is a "Hospital Cup" and is it purely a northern phenomenon?

I saw elsewhere that the fixture above had an attendance of about 160/170 which seems impressive, is that the norm for this competition at the semi-final stage?

830 apparently at the final which was played at Radcliffe's ground last night which is pretty remarkable for grass roots football whatever the occasion. I couldn't make it but for the record CMB beat Turton 2-1.

[Ray de Galles]

[B]They really should have gone on to win comfortably from there but for the antics of their number 7, quite the biggest prick I've seen playing football at any level for a long, long time.

I'd noticed him early doors repeatedly caroming in to opposing players; a gold-booted, heavily fake-tanned, tattoo-covered, tattily highlighted/shaven-haired, 'roid rage gym bunny who was the biggest whiner on the pitch throughout the game. During the second half alone he grabbed opponents around the throat four times, checking in advance that the ref wasn't looking on each occasion, seemingly getting away with every one despite the home players & crowd screaming to draw the officials' attention to it.

He finally got a straight red after around seventy minutes. I didn't quite see the impact of the challenge he got his marching orders for but was told it was pretty wild and would have been his fourth or fifth bookable offence at least. After leaving the field and crossing the "respect rope" he stood around the sidelines trying to look intimidating with a baseball cap, bench coat and sliders on for the rest of the match. When the home captain managed to squeeze a free kick through the hands of the keeper to score ten minutes later he and most of his team ran in our orange friend's direction to strike bodybuilder poses in celebration which was delicious.

This thread popping up has reminded me that I've since found out the herbert in question above is this guy (apologies for the Mail link) :

Ex On The Beach's Zach Tull has issued a gushing apology after sharing a video in which he covertly filmed a half-dressed gym-goer accompanied by a cruel caption.

The father-of-one, who starred on the MTV show earlier this year, initially took to the photosharing network the following day to defend his actions in an expletive-laden rant shortly before deleting the posts and issuing a near-tearful apology