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They'll be dancing in the streets of Talbot tonight

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    They'll be dancing in the streets of Talbot tonight


    Willing to bet there were 20 or so individuals all acting independently absolutely hammered drunk and standing in the car park challenging Ayr fans to a fight.


      Scotland is the sweariest country in the world
      Ayrshire is the sweariest part of Scotland
      Auchinleck is the sweariest part of Ayrshire
      watching football is the sweariest activity in Auchinleck

      Seriously, you think youíve heard swearing until you've been to this place. Iíd say itís a 4:1 ratio between swear words and verbs. And itís unilateral; Men, woman, pensioners, children, babies, pets, inanimate objects, whoís everyday dialect resembles a drunken docker on shore leave who has just hit there thumb with a hammer.

      I even went to the effort of writing some down when I was there, as it was so poetic. Iíll try and dig it out from a report.


        They don't use swear words instead of verbs as well? "Go on, ya fuck, fuck it up the fuckin pitch?!"


          Delighted for Talbot.

          Not least because we're now no longer the only tier 2 team in Scotland to have been pumped out the Scottish Cup by a junior side.


            Full report of the swearing is here

            A summary is:-

            "This led to a quite magnificent display of swearing. Now I've been to many thousand football games, and drunk in even more dodgy pubs, but never have I experienced swearing of such ferocity, creativity, and endurance.

            I've heard the word shitehawk before, but here that wasn't found to convey enough emotion. So instead the phrase was 'fucking shite shitehawk'.

            A group of pensioners descend on the linesman for having the temerity to insist a throw in is taken within thirty feet of where the ball was kicked out. However, these gents managed to get six swear words into the phrase 'time wasting'. 'fucking bastards fucking time wasting fucking wee arseholes'.

            Troon now had a few chances, with the sweary pensioners now bemoaning an apparently clueless manager, whereon it got a bit heated as it was pointed out that he had won the league for the last four seasons. (actual transcript "he's nae fucking clueless you knackered old cunt").

            Troon were a particularly rotund side, and the glabrous number four was receiving particular ire. 'shut your fookin mouth yae wee stumpy fooking bald prick'."



              A word we don't hear nowadays.

              But should


                Few parts of Ayrshire are a bit like The Galapagos, could be used for research as they've been untouched by evolution

                My favourites (and there are many more)

                1. Darvel sub coming on in a Scottish tie after he'd finished his can of Miller.

                2. Getting told that if I ever came back to New Cumnock when I was through for a Burgh tie 'see that auld boy over there?' (70 odd year old guy having a pint)
                'If ye ever come back here, dinnae kick his cunt in, he's a great auld cunt'

                3. Single Auchinleck fan, heavily refreshed. challenging the Linlithgow Rose fans leaving a Junior Cup final at Livingston to 'a pagger' while Auchinleck were getting presented with the cup inside.

                4. The newspaper report that gave the reason for Saltcoats chances being dealt a severe blow at half time for their centre-forwards 'arrest for his part in an armed robbery the week before'.


                  Originally posted by Rogin the Armchair fan View Post
                  They don't use swear words instead of verbs as well? "Go on, ya fuck, fuck it up the fuckin pitch?!"
                  Nah. 'Fuck the fucker up the fucking pitch ya abso-fucking-lute tool ye man'.

                  Want to edit this to make it clear I'm not calling Rogin an 'abso-fucking-lute tool ', not sure if that's entirely clear!
                  Last edited by RobM; 21-01-2019, 00:17.


                    I went to Cumnock v Auchinleck, probably just before the millennium, although it was about 1970 in Cumnock. Cumnock's left back Ray Day (once of St Johnstone) volleyed Talbots winger out for a corner while simultaneously elbowing him in the face. A lost art.

                    70-year-old Talbot supporter : Fuxake, that's a fuckin rid.
                    70-year-old Cumnock supporter : How the fucks it a rid, ya fuckin stupit auld cunt.
                    70-year-old Talbot supporter : Ootside.

                    And off they went. Nobody batted an eyelid, far less try to dissuade them. They just walked out, and I didn't see either of them return.

                    Ray Day got a ticking off.
                    Last edited by Stobart; 21-01-2019, 08:38.


                      My mate was threatened by a pensioner at Cumnock.

                      He's a sometimes Pollok fan. Dumbarton weren't playing so we went down to Cumnock for the game as we both had that Saturday free. He spent about 70 minutes shouting abuse at the Cumnock keeper. Only problem being that we were in with the home fans rather than standing with the travelling Pollok fans.

                      Cue a not entirely friendly "You better watch yourself son, he's a local and he's got friends in here" word in my mate's ear from an old fella.

                      We moved to join the travelling Lok fans for the last 20 minutes of the game.

                      I love a trip to the juniors. Always guaranteed to get a guy with a dog in the ground (although I've yet to see one on the pitch) , a weird mix of hipsters and traditionalists and kids playing on the park at half time. Kilbirnie v Beith is the nasty derby of choice these days. Or the Irvine derby. Talbot v Cumnock has been a bit tamer lately.


                        The bit of BBAF's report that made me laugh hardest wasn't the Swearshire invective, but this:

                        On a Saturday, the residents of Workington and Maryport take time away from pointing at aeroplanes, and go to Carlisle to get hammered.

                        Harsh, but fair.

                        On the subject of being threatened by Ayrshire pensioners, my late grandad and I used to play golf at his local municipal course in Kilmaurs. My grandfaither's sometime golf buddy was a short, spindly 85-year-old called Wullie, who once told a mouthy twentysomething on the course to "Fuck aff or ye'll get my 6 iron roon the sidey yer heid, ya cunt ye". The twentysomething wisely fucked aff.


                          Can we have a function to "Like" an entire thread?


                            My Dad is originally from a small village just outside Cumnock. His grandfather, my great grandfather, was well known locally as he'd played professional football, WW1 bringing his 'career' to an end and sending him back to Ayrshire and the pits where he stayed until he retired. As a child I was taken down to Cumnock to visit relatives and my great Uncle, in all seriousness, explained that his father had been "ken't second in Cumnock richt up tae his 60s". I didn't understand what he meant, my Dad realising my confusion explained that it meant he was regarded as the second best fighter in Cumnock. My Dad explained that this was important information locally, not so much for simple machismo posturing, but because it allowed him to work behind the bar in the local social club (despite being a non-drinker his entire life) and carry the takings to the bank night safe without fear of robbery and likewise he was employed by a local bookie for a period to carry bets from the miners to bookmakers.

                            RobM's description above of parts of Ayrshire being like "The Galapagos" might be my favourite ever point made on here. Bravo.


                              Didn't the Cambuslang manager get the bump for stabbing someone?

                              I was with Rob when the Talbot fan was outside the ground picking fights with punters as the cup was being presented. They're an odd lot alright.


                                Originally posted by torres View Post
                                Didn't the Cambuslang manager get the bump for stabbing someone?

                                I was with Rob when the Talbot fan was outside the ground picking fights with punters as the cup was being presented. They're an odd lot alright.
                                Unbelievable wasn't it?

                                Lost it a wee bit after the stroke (memory)but I remember it as the Cambuslang manager getting hit in a drive by shooting. Can't really remember but t was at the hyper end of daft Junior stuff.
                                Last edited by RobM; 24-01-2019, 23:29.


                                  This thread is truly a thing of beauty. I nearly completely lost it at the dismembered suzuki swift.