Father Ted 'Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep'
{Dougal and Ted in their beds}
D: If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now.
T: Why?
Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better. And d'you know what Ted it lights up at night, And it's got four ears, two are for listening and two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps. Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail so as if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses.
Dougal! It's a legend, it doesn't exist.
Right, Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.
The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist! Look, I'm not going to get into this what-does-exist and what-doesn't-exist debate again, OK? But I'm gonna have to insist you add those last two examples to the chart.
- But Ted!
- Dougal!
{Dougal winds down a white blind over the window, which reads, written on in marker:
THEY DON'T EXIST
LOCH NESS MONSTER
FRANKENSTEIN
MAGNUM P.I.
NON-CATHOLIC GODS
DARTH VADER
and starts to add THE PHANTOM and THE BEAST}
T: No, I'm more worried about that bet I put on Chris to win King Of The Sheep.
D: You don't think he'll win then?
No burping sheep has ever won it.
What about Big Brendan in 1983?
Fluke. Anyway, it's just the heating budget. And look what the Weather News says.
{Ted holds up newspaper with front page headline 'WARM WINTER AHEAD'}
D: Ted, that's last year's Weather News.
What?
This is this year's.
{Dougal holds up newspaper with front page headline 'COLD WINTER AHEAD'}
T: Oh, I'll have to go and see if John and Mary will let me take my money back tomorrow.
I might come down with you, see if they've got another Sound Effects album. Volume Five.
Fair enough. Good night then, Dougal.
{Light off. **HOWL!** Light on. Dougal is cowering behind Ted in his bed.}
{Dougal and Ted in their beds}
D: If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now.
T: Why?
Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better. And d'you know what Ted it lights up at night, And it's got four ears, two are for listening and two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps. Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail so as if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses.
Dougal! It's a legend, it doesn't exist.
Right, Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.
The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist! Look, I'm not going to get into this what-does-exist and what-doesn't-exist debate again, OK? But I'm gonna have to insist you add those last two examples to the chart.
- But Ted!
- Dougal!
{Dougal winds down a white blind over the window, which reads, written on in marker:
THEY DON'T EXIST
LOCH NESS MONSTER
FRANKENSTEIN
MAGNUM P.I.
NON-CATHOLIC GODS
DARTH VADER
and starts to add THE PHANTOM and THE BEAST}
T: No, I'm more worried about that bet I put on Chris to win King Of The Sheep.
D: You don't think he'll win then?
No burping sheep has ever won it.
What about Big Brendan in 1983?
Fluke. Anyway, it's just the heating budget. And look what the Weather News says.
{Ted holds up newspaper with front page headline 'WARM WINTER AHEAD'}
D: Ted, that's last year's Weather News.
What?
This is this year's.
{Dougal holds up newspaper with front page headline 'COLD WINTER AHEAD'}
T: Oh, I'll have to go and see if John and Mary will let me take my money back tomorrow.
I might come down with you, see if they've got another Sound Effects album. Volume Five.
Fair enough. Good night then, Dougal.
{Light off. **HOWL!** Light on. Dougal is cowering behind Ted in his bed.}
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