Favourite (funniest?) film/TV comedy dialogues (2-person exchanges)

[evilC]

"Well, that was wonderful."

"A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."

"Yes. I should be... Good Lord! What is happening in there?"

"Aurora borealis."

"Aurora borealis?"

"Errr...!"

"Aurora borealis ...at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within *your* kitchen?!?"

"Yes."

"May I see it?"

"Mmmm... No!"

[Toby Gymshorts]

Right, had to C&P because I couldn't remember all of it, and there are three people involved. But balls to your rules (in the nicest possible way, obvs), no gods, no masters:

Tim: You know, Brian, everything that happened in those movies can be attributed to the actions of one man.

Brian: Who?

Tim: The gunner on the Star Destroyer in the first film.

Brian: What d'you mean?

Tim: Well, if he'd shot the pod with Artoo and Threepio in, they wouldn't have made it to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have saved Princess Leia, none of it would have happened.

Brian: Chaos theory...

Tim: Eh?

Brian: The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it—past, present, future—is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.

Daisy: So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?

Brian: An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.

Tim: Oh my god...

Brian: What?

Daisy: What?

Tim: I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket. #Oh Mummy, oh Daddy, let's all play kabaddi!#

[Hot Pepsi]

And the fans do not like this one bit.

And here come the pretzels.

Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with the crowd for- for some kind of sanity.

Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious.

Wow.

This is a-This is a black day for baseball.

[Cal Alamein]

Way too many to choose from these pairs.

[Patrick Thistle]

"Han!"

"Luke! How we doing?"

"Same as always"

"That bad, huh?"

(Always makes me smile)

[ian.64]

"Is what this man saying is true?"

"Yes. This man has no dick."

[Kevin S]

https://youtu.be/gUH6oRkWm-Q

{Mark and Jeremy hiding above the congregation behind some banners, Mark is about to get married}

M: Do you know what? I think I might toss a coin. Tossing a coin might be the best available route open to me.

J: You are joking?

- I don't seem to have any other ideas. OK. So, heads, I marry - lifetime of potential grinding resentment. Tails, I stay here, become a social outcast and turn my back on the woman I may very well love.

- I'm excited.

- I'm kind of excited too. So. *tosses coin* Ah, it's marry. I'm gonna marry. Shit.

Best of three?

Yes, exactly, best of three. *tosses coin* Ah, heads again.
Shit!

Best of five?

No, the coin has spoken.

Great..Let's get out of here. I am busting.

- No, I'm not getting married.

- You're over-ruling the coin?

Well, the coin isn't the boss of me, Jeremy. And how I felt when it told me to marry makes me think I definitely shouldn't. So, text everyone - text everyone to tell them that.

A text?

Tell them - Tell them I'm doing a Stephen Fry. We're in Brussels. I'm eating chips and mayonnaise. I'm on the edge. You found a blanket under the garage door and I'm wearing an overcoat and no-one should approach me and I'll be back soon and everything's fine. Maybe we'll have a wedding in a couple of weeks, but I'm on the edge, stress that. Everyone needs to be kind to me. Text that.

You want me to send all that to everyone?

I'll cover the cost.

OK, fine, man, but first I can't go on any longer, my bladder, I'm busting.

I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do, is there?

Let me piss in that prayer bucket.

Prayer bucket? There's no such thing as - That's just a bucket.

OK, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket.

No, no, no, you can't move.

What am I gonna do then? I can't hold on!

If you really can't hold it in, then you'll just have to piss yourself.

You're telling me to piss myself?

Yes, piss yourself.

- Is this what it's come to?

- Yes, and do it quietly.

Great, and what shall I do after I've pissed myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? You're such a

- Are you doing it already?

- Yes, I'm doing it already. I'm so pathetic that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself, I started the procedure. This is what you've done. You've ground down my sense of self-worth over the years. I hope you're proud.

When are you gonna stop?

Not for a bit.

Stop, Jeremy! It's going down the cracks.

- I can't stop.

- Stop!

Oh, "Piss yourself. Stop pissing yourself." It's not that simple. The floodgates are open.

I'm ordering you to stop!

You're being a real dick about this, aren't you?

Shit! Oh, shit, shit! Oh, my god! This has gotta be a dream. Nothing this bad could ever happen in reality.

{Mark peers out from behind a banner at the piss-soaked congregation just as his bride-to-be walks up the aisle}

M: (Internal: 'What am I gonna do? Throw myself off? ') Surprise! Hello. It's me. Look, I've surprised you. What a brilliant joke!

[Stumpy Pepys]

The courtroom scene in Airplane II

[Giggler]

"I mean, when it comes to women, you're hardly Omar Sharif"

"If Omar Sharif lived in Gateshead, I doubt if he'd be Omar Sharif"

[Jah Womble]

This, from The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ-9R6NCZ0A

(Jimmy's 'I thought support might be difficult' line is the topper, but Reggie's pay-off of '...what's more, it's neo-rubbish and crypto-rubbish!' has been cut off, unfortunately.)

[Tramp The Dirt Down]

[QUOTE=Cal Alamein;1409617]Way too many to choose from these pairs.

And indeed Shatner & Spader in Boston Legal

[3 Colours Red]

Richie: What about pin the tail on the donkey?

Eddie: We haven't got a donkey.

Richie: Well... er, pin the tail on the chicken.

Eddie: We haven't got a tail.

Richie: Well... pin the sausage on the chicken.

Eddie: We haven't got a chicken.

Richie: Well... pin the sausage on the fridge.

Eddie: Or a pin.

Richie: Sellotape a sausage to the fridge.

Eddie: We haven't got a sausage.

Richie: PUT... A BIT... OF SELLOTAPE... ON THE FRRRRRIDGE!

Eddie: Not much of a game, is it?

[Sits]

In Bruges, Ralph Fiennes and Brendan Gleeson sharing a beer in the square:

Ken: The boy's suicidal Harry. He's a walking dead man. Keeps going on about hell and purgatory -

Harry: When I phoned you yesterday, did I ask you 'Ken, would you do me a favor and become Ray's psychiatrist please?' No. What I think what I asked you was "would you go blow his fucking head off for me?" "He's suicidal"? I'm suicidal, you're suicidal, everybody's fucking suicidal. We don't all keep going on about it. Has he killed himself yet? So he's not fucking suicidal, is he?

Ken: He put a loaded gun to his head this morning, I stopped him.

Harry: He... What? This gets fucking worse!

Ken: We were down the park...

Harry: Let me get this right. You were down in the park? What's that got to do with fucking anything? Let me get this right. Not only have you refused to kill the boy, you even stopped the boy from killing himself, which would have solved my problem, which would have solved your problem, which sounds like it would have solved the boy's problem.

Ken: It wouldn't have solved his problem.

Harry: Ken, if I had killed a little kid, accidentally or otherwise, I wouldn't have thought twice. I'd killed myself on the fucking spot. On the fucking spot. I would've stuck the gun in me mouth on the fucking spot!

Ken: That's you, Harry. The boy has the capacity to change. The boy has the capacity to do something decent with his life.

Harry: Excuse me, Ken, I have the capacity to change.

Ken: Yeah, you do. You've the capacity to get fucking worse!

Harry: Ah yeah, now I'm getting down to it!

Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny, I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, you've always been a cunt. And, the only thing that's gonna change is that you're gonna become an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.

Harry: [furious] Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!

Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.

Harry: Insulting my fucking kids?! That's going overboard, mate!

Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?! [quietly] Still leaves you a cunt...

Harry: Yeah, I fucking got that.

[Snake Plissken]

Man in Black: All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.

Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You've made your decision then?

Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man in Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?

Man in Black: Australia.

Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!

Man in Black: Then make your choice.

Vizzini: I will, and I choose... what in the world can that be?

[Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts looks backwards. Vizzini swaps the goblets]

Man in Black: What? Where? I don't see anything.

Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

[Vizzini and the Man in Black drink]

Man in Black: You guessed wrong.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

[Vizzini stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face and falls to the ground dead]

Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

[Vicarious Thrillseeker]

Withnail: [reading a newspaper] Listen to this. "Curse of the Superman. I took drugs to win medals says top athlete Geoff Woade."

Marwood: Where's the coffee?

Withnail: "In a world exclusive interview, 33 year old shot putter Geoff Woade who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. It used to give him bad tempers and act up said his wife. He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped he's much better in our sex life and in our general life." Jesus Christ. This huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him! Look at Geoff Woade! His head must weight fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker!

Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.

Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No! He'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm gonna pull you head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm gonna pull your head off because I don't like your head."

[hobbes]

Basically all of Blackadder 2.

[Lang Spoon]

"Well, that was wonderful."

"A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."

"Yes. I should be... Good Lord! What is happening in there?"

"Aurora borealis."

"Aurora borealis?"

"Errr...!"

"Aurora borealis ...at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within *your* kitchen?!?"

"Yes."

"May I see it?"

"Mmmm... No!"

That whole episode is just brilliant. Best of the Silver Age Simpsons.

[evilC]

That whole episode is just brilliant. Best of the Silver Age Simpsons.

I was actually reminded of it by this remarkable Frankenstein recreation...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUcqVNjWoZA

[Kevin S]

There was a short thread about these:
https://www.onetouchfootball.com/sho...-Hams-but-it-s

[Glass Half Empty]

CENTURION: What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?

BRIAN: It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.

CENTURION: No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!

BRIAN: Aah!

CENTURION: Come on!

BRIAN: 'R-- Romanus'?

CENTURION: Goes like...?

BRIAN: 'Annus'?

CENTURION: Vocative plural of 'annus' is...?

BRIAN: Eh. 'Anni'?

CENTURION: 'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?

BRIAN: 'Go'. Let--

CENTURION: Conjugate the verb 'to go'.

BRIAN: Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.

CENTURION: So 'eunt' is...?

BRIAN: Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.

CENTURION: But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...?

BRIAN: The... imperative!

CENTURION: Which is...?

BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!

CENTURION: How many Romans?

BRIAN: Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.

CENTURION: 'Ite'.

BRIAN: Ah. Eh.

CENTURION: 'Domus'?

BRIAN: Eh.

CENTURION: Nominative?

BRIAN: Oh.

CENTURION: 'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?

BRIAN: Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!

CENTURION: Except that 'domus' takes the...?

BRIAN: The locative, sir!

CENTURION: Which is...?!

BRIAN: 'Domum'.

CENTURION: 'Domum'.

BRIAN: Aaah! Ah.

CENTURION: 'Um'. Understand?

BRIAN: Yes, sir.

CENTURION: Now, write it out a hundred times.

BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

CENTURION: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!

Finished!

[Janik]

Oh, loads from Yes, Minister and Yes, Prime Minister. Such as this:-

Sir Humphrey: Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy?
Bernard: To defend Britain?
H: No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.
B: The Russians?
H: Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.

And then there is British newspapers.

My personal favourite episode is The Bishop's Gambit. But the exchanges are too long to bother typing out here.

[Toby Gymshorts]

After some thought, I'd add anything at all by Morecambe and Wise. Anything at all. That said, here's my favourite line (and one which I use - frequently, given that I live in Lewisham):

He's not going to sell much ice-cream going at that speed, is he?

[Snake Plissken]

My second favourite M&W moment after that mouth twitch just after being told “You’re playing the wrong notes!”

[Tramp The Dirt Down]

My second favourite M&W moment after that mouth twitch just after being told “You’re playing the wrong notes!”

The greatest comedy sketch of all time.

[Sits]

I often use Eric's "No hard feelings, just a simmering hate".