The Smurfs - 2011

[jason voorhees]

The Smurfs - 2011
Starring - Doogie and the Bluies
***

Yes, "live action Smurfs in New York City" may make you immediately suffer a gag reflex. However, as a glass-quarter-full person, you may also hear "Hank Azaria as Gargamel" or "Doogie Howser working for Sofia Vergara" and think of the maroon leggings and the reddish maroon lipstick and a smirk may appear on the corner of your face.

Put it this way, you know if you will end up here or not. Should you end up here, it's really not that bad. You may even find yourself laughing quite a few laughs as well. Azaria deserves a medal from adult moviegoers everywhere.

The most nauseating aspect of the film is the fact that Neil Patrick Harris is an ad executive for Sofia Vergara, and the fact is he's "lucky to not be fired today." Between this and Clooney's Up In The Air, we're certainly getting many CEO-friendly films these days.

However, had you ever walked through one of those steam-vents from the subway of New York City and thought you were in an Ed Wood vampire movie, you may find yourself enjoying the Smurfs.

[Renart]

The Smurfs - 2011

Ha ha!

The billboard ads I saw in LA for this movie were giving me the creeps. 3-D CGI Smurfs just don't look right. I've been relying on conveniently located grandparents and the start of the school year for saving me from having to see the movie, but so far my daughter hasn't shown any interest in it.

[Incandenza]

The Smurfs - 2011

Same with my daughter, even after we encountered a two-story tall inflatable Smurf at the Santa Monica Place.

Even Lindy West did not completely hate it, though:

This new live-action Smurfs movie does a smart thing: It preempts all potential mockery of the Smurfs' inherent creepiness and logical dead ends by making fun of itself nonstop. Like, in an opening scene, right after I eagerly scribbled "WHY IS GARGAMEL SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH SMURFS" in my notes (that's the kind of shit I can milk two whole paragraphs out of), Gargamel in the movie goes, "I AM NOT OBSESSED WITH SMURFS. I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM." Hhhhhhhh. FINE. And later, when I was feeling smug about how stupid the Smurf naming system is, Neil Patrick Harris goes, "So all of you are named after your personalities? Do you get your names when you're born or after you've exhibited certain traits?" and the Smurfs are like, "Yeah! Whatever!" YEAH. WHATEVER. The movie makes fun of Smurf language ("You just say 'Smurf' for everything?"); it makes fun of that horrible fucking song ("None of you find that song just the tiniest bit annoying?"); it makes fun of the strange sexual dynamics of Smurf Village ("So you live in a village with your 99 sons and one daughter. Nothing weird about that"). And that's why I HATE THIS NEW LIVE-ACTION SMURFS MOVIE SOOOOOOO MUCH.

How am I supposed to write a hahahaha-larious column making fun of your goddamn Smurfs movie when (1) you did a preemptive strike on ALL of my best jokes, and (2) YOUR STUPID SMURFS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY KIND OF ENJOYABLE (THANKS A LOT, HANK AZARIA)??? Fuck you, Smurfs. Seriously.

[jason voorhees]

The Smurfs - 2011

I thought a lot about the always unsung and brilliant John C. McGinley in Ice Cube's Are We Done Yet?, and how one great character actor single-handidly doing all that they can to lift the film to watchability is always an interesting thing to see.

Put it this way, there's a scene when his former Olympic Speedwalking has to save the day.