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The whips and chains and passion of the christ

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    The whips and chains and passion of the christ

    Right so. There's this straight nosed guy in a misty garden, and he's having a bad time of it.

    The scene cuts to judas and a bunch of jews in ceremonial robes. They're trying to make sure that judas doesn't get too greedy and doesn't look for more.

    Oh dear, he's spilled the 30 pieces of silver.

    Now we're back with the lad with a nervous breakdown in the garden. Theres a weirdo with no eyebrows, and a snake taunting him. I bet he's a baddy. He looks like a gay cancer victim, a gay cancer victim iwth a sanke coming out of hiss dress.

    Oh, Judas is here with the bizarrely dressed soldiers, they're looking for jesus but judas is having second thoughts. Not so easy now you big dirty bastard.

    OOOOh he's kissed him.

    #2
    The whips and chains and passion of the christ

    Everyone has very silly headgear except for jesus. There's a bit of a scuffle. It would appear that peter is a bit of a hardarse. Watch that knife or you';ll have someone's ear off.

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      #3
      The whips and chains and passion of the christ

      And he's cut his ear off. Now peter is in trouble, and jeusus has fixed the guys ear, and the others, who aren't that impressed with this miracedl have grabbed him, and have tied a rope around his neck. This is getting a bit kinky.

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        #4
        The whips and chains and passion of the christ

        There are women in this movie. It's yer one othat italian bird. Jaysus she's holding it together well for a woman in her forties.

        Now they're beating the bollocks off jesus, and have thrown him over a wall, where he is half strangled by the rope, and torn horrible by the chains.

        Now some kind of bizarre thing, I think judas has confronted a demon. Now there's no need to be bringing superstition into what is a scientific and historical movie.

        Now were back to the jews handing out the money so that people will turn up to boooooo jesus. Those jews and their money, eh?

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          #5
          The whips and chains and passion of the christ

          oooh, now one of the women is appealing to the romans, that the jews are sneakily trying to fix jesus while their backs are turned, but the jews are covering it up.

          It would appear that the romans are speaking italian.

          Already jesus looks like mr Worf.

          Now jesus is doing abit of carpentry. It appears as though jesus has just invented chairs. Either this is a flash back or this movie is after getting a bit weird.

          His mother doesn't think that chair will catch on. It is indeed a flash back

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            #6
            The whips and chains and passion of the christ

            right so , the head roman has a shaved head. Now we're back with the jews. They're mocking poor old jesus. It would appear that one of them is called caiphas. Now there is a lickspittle who is accusing him of not having enoough respect for the hight priest, and is giving him a beating.

            Now the most jewish man in the world not called fagin is accusing him of driving out devils with the help of devils. Now an old jewish guy is sayign that he said he'd demolish the temple.

            I would appear that judas has an itchy nose and is scratching his face on a stone wall.

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              #7
              The whips and chains and passion of the christ

              You know, when these lads spell out some of the stuff that jusus said it does sound a bit implausible.

              And now jewphas has slapped him in the face and has gobbed at him. Now alll of these elderly jews are coming up one at a time and slapping jesus

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                #8
                The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                Peter has denied jesus three times now, and to be fair, I don't blame him. Things have turned very ugly. Peter looks like a middle eastern nicholas cage or something.

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                  #9
                  The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                  and here's judas, asking them to take back the 30 poieces of silver. Jewphas is telling him that a contract is a contract. He's wiped his itchy nose on the purse and throw it back. I sense that he's very remorseful.

                  Now he's being tormented by demonic children or something, I sense he's losing the run of himself. I wonder how it all ends for him.

                  Now mary is wandering around looking suspiciously young and attractive for a woman in her mid forties 2000 years ago. Maybe gallilean widows are very similar in many respects to scottish widows.

                  Now judas is being chased by children er through the desert.

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                    #10
                    The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                    hmm. it tuns out that judas has sad down beside a moggot infested donkey. and is surrounded by flies. I can help feeling that this isn't going to heltp the balalnce of his mind.

                    Oh, there's the gay albino cancer victim with the snake lurking ominously in the background.

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                      #11
                      The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                      And how he's hung himself. It's almost like i Know what is going to happen next.

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                        #12
                        The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                        Now pilate appears to be acting as the taunting chorus (Do you normally beat up people before you try them) (isn't this the guy you were all praising a week ago) etc.

                        My god. I never realised that jews were so craven until I saw this movie. Look at them all conspiring against jesus.

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                          #13
                          The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                          Now pilate has had his chat with jesus, and reckons that he is a harmless eejit, but has handed him over to herod. all the while wondering what's going on with these crazy locals. It's almost like he's playing the role of the english guy or something.

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                            #14
                            The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                            Herod is putting on his wig. He looks like a total fucking degenerate. Is he the guy who tried to kill jesus 30 years ago. He's holding it together well. it might be the eyeliner that is doing it. why are the jews and the gays conspiring to kill jesus.

                            Now pilates wife is acting as his consience. He seems to be wrapped up in a series of philosophical discussions.

                            Basically if they don't kill jesus caiphas will start an uprising. If they do condem him then jesus's mates will start an uprising, and if there's one more uprising, then caesaris totally going to kick his arse.

                            Now he's stuck. Herod has gone back to snort crystal meth off the nubian slave, and poor pilate is tuck.

                            Fucking hell they're laying it on a bit thick here with this caiphas guy. This barrabbas is a mentally ill, severely handicapped ape. and that's who caiphas wants set free. He's not going to crucify jeusus. they're just going to chastise him.

                            Hmm. I suspect that this movie is going to get a little weird now. Jesus is now going to be brutally whipped by right said fred and minty from eastenders.

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                              #15
                              The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                              fucking hell the only way this could be less subtle is if they showed us a line of erect circumcised cocks as they watch him getting a beating. And the eyebrowless cancer sufferer is back.

                              Hmm. the jews have headed off the romans have given up, but jesus as stood up, so the romans are now going to torture him with all sorts of bizarre shit with hooks.

                              This is becoming completely insane. WHy did he stand up? His is clearly a mel gibson movie. Now the grinning romans are laughing as they wipe the plood from their faces. Good lord.

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                                #16
                                The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                fucking hell, they're still beating him. HTis is getting out of hand. And here's pilates wife. she's brought them some towels.

                                Good suffering jeuss. They've had to stop betgint him because they are exhausted.

                                Oh no, they're not exhausted, they've just flipped him over to batter the other side.

                                Hmm the cancer sufferer has a baby, a weird baby. I bet that this is symbolic. Now a roman has come to tell them to stop as things are getting a little out of hand, and this isn't cricket. There is fucking blood Everywhere.

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                                  #17
                                  The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                  hmm, instead of fixing him like the nice man said, they're putting a crown of thorns on him. This is not the way forward. Now he's standing in front of them covered in blood and a tiny piece of skin, but Jewphas Is insistent that pilate crucify him. He's not for turning. He's doing the whole we jews have no king but caesar line, and now it's all starting to kick off.

                                  Ooh jewphas is a right crafty bugger. If you don't crucify him you are no friend of caesar's. Very smart that.

                                  Hmm, he's washing his hands of the entire matter, and making it very clear that it is jewphas and the jews that are going to crucify this innocent man.

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                                    #18
                                    The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                    now here's the really fucking implausible part of the whole story. After torturing him for days so he can hardly breathe, they're making him carry a cross that weighs three times his own bodyweight. I mean they had me up til this point with this (flesh) ripping yarn, but this cross carrying business is tooo much.

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                                      #19
                                      The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                      right so the heavy cross has become a bit of a problem, particularly as they just can't stop beating him. now theres a guy here to help him carry the cross. There are two lads struggling under the weight of it, but jesus was able to carry it himslef a minute ago even though he looks like a steak tartar with hair.

                                      The guy helping him is most insistent that everyone remembers that he's just there to help and he's not actually up for crucifixion today.

                                      Hmm I'm pretty sure that the romans weren't big on their soldiers being hopelessly drunk on duty.

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                                        #20
                                        The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                        hold on, they' ve just shown us calvary. It's fucking miles away. Is this movie ever going to end?

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                                          #21
                                          The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                          hmm, theyre driving a nail into his hand. This is a bit gratuitous.

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                                            #22
                                            The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                            Hmm, if you thought that was a bit gratuitous, they're after pulling his arm out of his socket to drive in the second nail.

                                            Now they're flipping him over. to sort out the cross. And here comes the sarcastic placard to round off the whole thing.

                                            Now he's breaking nan breads in a flashback.

                                            Now here comes Jewphas to taunt him. but jesus isn't having any of it. but the good robber points out that jesus is praying for jewphas, so he is probably not that bad a guy.

                                            Now a crow has come along to peck out the eyes of the bad robber. pathetic fallacy is a bitch.

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                                              #23
                                              The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                              hmm a drop of rain fell that caused an earthquake. This appears to be turning into the raiders of the lost ark. Now they're breaking everyones legs. And they've stabbed him and water has fountained out after all fo the blood.

                                              Now jewpahs has returned to find his temple mostly destroyed by the rain earthquake and he's crying. . And the gay cancer victim is going mental because he appears to have lost. I hope they hang onto that cross because that is going to become the backbone of an entire trade in merchandise over the next couple of years.

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                                                #24
                                                The whips and chains and passion of the christ

                                                oooh, the stone has been rolled back, and he's up and about, and his pretty pissed. (and he has a substantial hole in his hand.

                                                I don't know what was the most disconcerting thing about this movie. The incredibly graphic depiction of the violence (which makes it rather obvious that the whole story if taken literally is implausible bizarre perverted nonsense) the blatant anti-semitism, or the way that jesus's eyes kept changing colour every couple of seconds.

                                                What a deeply bizarre movie. It was horrifying and pointless, but it could have been worse, it could have been a rugby game. I hope that mel gibson gets help though. He's a very disturbed man.

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