I've just seen a traumatic advert

[ian.64]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

May I also apologise for thinking that at the end of that ad where a cycling family travels the countryside playing I-Spy, it should end with 'Should've Gone To Specsavers'?

[Vulgarian Visigoth]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Tactictoe wrote: Speaking of voice over people, there's a continuity announcer on BBC one who sounds like a man in a blissful state of one who's just been anally milked in an extremely efficient manner.

I've been googling about, but can't find the actual bloke in question. It isn't Duncan Newmarch, whose name comes up a lot on forums full of people who abhor the jocular style of modern continuity announcers, instead preferring the authoritative, cut-glass accents that auntie used to have en masse.

He sounds a bit cheesy, but his voice has become a bit a of a fave and running joke amongst friends, with us imagining his cheery, my-shit-don't-stink way that he talks being his actual everyday voice, and him responding to all news, beit good or bad, in that incessantly happy way of his.

Does anybody know who the fuck I'm talking about?

Terry Wogan?

[ian.64]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

While re-reading a lot of this thread - some lovely, funny reactions to some major visual cack (don't know about mine. Reactions, not visual cack, I mean) - I suddenly thought about those ads for Colmans and Kingsmill, where the mother is missing from the kitchen scenario. In the former, the girl comes back home from seemingly having broken up with her boyfriend to be consoled by a shepherds-pie-making dad while the latter sees kids tootling around a mumless kitchen. I'm not in any way inferring that mum should be in the kitchen permanently looking after these irritating offspring, but I am mystified by the absence of any matriarchal influence.

What's the reasoning behind that? That if Mum's dead, will foodstuffs occupy the emotional hole left by her passing? Can Colmans or Kingsmill, after an eternity of human mortality, have finally found the ultimate answer to the grieving process? Is the answer to the emotional destruction of the family unit after the death of a loved one to give them food products ("we're very sorry to hear of your mother's death. I know that life will be tough from now on, but I hope this packet of shepherds pie gravy mix and this pack of thick-sliced bread will make things more tolerable for you...")?

Or can another way be found to rewrite these ads?

Son: This bread is really tasty, Dad.

Dad: Thought you'd like it. Thought you'd gone off bacon and tomato.

Son: (laughs) Can bacon and tomato go off?

Dad: Cheeky scamp. Anyway, I'll do you a few more....what's up, sweetheart?

Daughter: (morose) It's Mum....I don't want these sandwiches...

Dad: Come on, love, it's tomato and...

Daughter: (Cries) I still remember the screams! She should never have gone across that field!

Dad: Look, love..(holds daughter)...you can't blame the guy, okay? He was driving a combine harvester. Combine harvesters are huge! How could he have ever have seen her coming?

Daughter: The blood...red chopped meat against the yellow swaying corn...

Dad: Stop it...just..just stop it, Susan!

Son: Shall I make her some more sandwiches, Dad?

Dad: As many as you can, lad. 15 at most. She'll need half-a-loaf's worth to pull her out of it.

Daughter: Glistening guts on wheaty ground...

Dad: There, love....(strokes her hair)...you'll be all right..I promise...

Voiceover: Kingsmill. It makes the bad things go away.

[jwdd27]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

The cunt on the Dreams advert is especially annoying. As he's not famous, in a Chuckle Brother, Cannon and Ball, Reg Holdsworth sort of way, I can only assume that he's the office wanker at their headquarters, and that someone made the dreadful decision to share him.

Dreams were already on my shitlist for a horrendously fucked up delivery a few years ago, so fuck them even more.

[Gangster Octopus]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

It really is time that Ian numbers started making adverts.

[Southport Zeb]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Imagine that you come up with a new product. Your company grows and the time comes to make a television advert. At this point you have a choice - do it yourself or get an actor. Unfortunately for the deviser of the Jane Plan diet she decided to do her advert herself, despite having the personality of limp celery. I don't know if the advert will bring her any extra business as I suspect most potential customers will fall asleep before it ends.

[Mr Beast]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Tobias Barreto wrote: Whoever's responsible for that new Head and Shoulders ad wants their teeth stoving in. Joe Hart saving a penalty, indeed.

I wonder how far down their wishlist of great sportsmen the Head & Shoulders creative team had to go before they resigned themselves to Joe Hart.

[Slightly Brown]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Mr Beast wrote:

Whoever's responsible for that new Head and Shoulders ad wants their teeth stoving in. Joe Hart saving a penalty, indeed.

I wonder how far down their wishlist of great sportsmen the Head & Shoulders creative team had to go before they resigned themselves to Joe Hart.

His hair is too thin, too. You need a Shiltonian mop to fully have the follicle detritus that would require specifically engineered products.

[Southport Zeb]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Mr Beast wrote:

Whoever's responsible for that new Head and Shoulders ad wants their teeth stoving in. Joe Hart saving a penalty, indeed.

I wonder how far down their wishlist of great sportsmen the Head & Shoulders creative team had to go before they resigned themselves to Joe Hart.

I bet they were gutted when Daniel Sturridge decided to go with Subway instead.

[ian.64]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Talk about a small world. I was at the pub last night and it turns out that one of the people I work with is related to one of the actors in the Halifax ads, namely the woman who appeared next to the git in the 'Isa Isa Baby' atrocity. I told him it was shite and he agreed.

[Slightly Brown]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Hungryhouse Direct.

A meerkat-less price-comparison website for the hungry, cookerless and late-night stoned of central London.

The advert? A classic trailer-park-KKK-tweaking-honkey ordering his last meal.*

Who arrives? A Susan Sarandon-esq nun meditating
on mortality, retribution and the act of murder? Naaaaah, it's a retro 'tached guy on a scooter with a Deathstar-sized pepperoni pizza (two dips).

The take-home message? If you're a home-invadin', mass-murderin'-slaya...and you want free garlic-bread with orders over £15? call 555-HUNGRYHOUSE.

*drugs will be mixed in-house and may cause temporary drowsiness.

[Gerontophile]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

May I just say that "anally milked in an extremely efficient manner" is the best thing I have read on t'web, this year?

And ian.64: For fuck sake, get a writing job. Alternatively, you are Charlie Brooker, and I claim my 5 pounds of shit.

There is an ongoing advert in the US of A for something that , as far as I can make out, is a law firm, who will fight for you, if your son has grown tits.

Oh yes. I thought the one for the hair remover that "ISNT a RAZOR" was funny. (It's a razor).

But no. Sue everyone and your son wont have tits because of that drug which was prescribed by your doctor, whom you had to pay, and... oh, wait. (Sorry if any offence was caused by this post. Side effects include death by lack of humor.)

[MsD]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

I'm still loving the meerkats, especially the little introductory pieces at the start and during ad breaks for Coronation Street. Sometimes the meerkats' lines and plots are better than Corrie's.

Baby Oleg is the cutest thing ever and I'm even tempted to take out insurance I don't want to get one (ooh, eBay, maybe?). I also talk like Aleksandr on occasion but have to rein it in. I don't say "simples" but I do the accent.

Looking at the alternatives - Brian, the awful Confused.com song that preceded it, Go Compare ... whoever came up with the meerkats campaign must be very happy.

[Southport Zeb]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Irish Ferries have a new advert which begins with them doing a rhyme about the people using their services, similar to what McDonalds have done recently. The strange bit is the tagline, clearly inspired by the old "Fosters: Australian for beer". I don't know how long they took to come up with "Irish Ferries: Irish for ferries". Clearly no one took the time to remember that there is actually a language called Irish in which the word for "ferries" isn't "ferries".

[ian.64]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

The deodorant advert where smiling, self-satisfied guys in a locker room high-five each other with poorly-staged regularity. I stop thinking about the dopey machinations on screen and start thinking about the mentality of those whose piss-wank imaginations are let loose on television screens and whose wallets are the bigger for it.

Someone okayed that.

[jwdd27]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Hellmanns mayonnaise advert has quirky sorts of people debating what makes a good sandwich, including Brian fucking Blessed in the back of a taxi being a shouty annoying cunt, which was kind of amusing 10 or 15 years ago when he reappeared having been off our screens for a few years, but isn't anymore, in any way.

[Mr Beast]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Brian Blessed and Finchy from The Office do 99% of the voiceover work in this country, leaving John Hannah to mop up the rest.

[Toby Gymshorts]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

'The rest' being the Co-Op, presumably.

[sw2borshch]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

I lol'd at the Irn Bru Fanny advert.

[Freestyling buck wilding Stijn Stijnen]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Trivago.

It's been on for while,(hipster on a gap year stopping off in Venice) but it's always annoyed me.
I don't now if it's the hollow whiny music masquerading as folky wisdom, or her whiny voice, or that the whole advert comprises her constantly voicing what she wants like a spoiled brat, but I don't like it. Not one little bit.

[Sam]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

I know we've done cologne adverts already, but it's my thread so what the hell.

I thought they couldn't get any worse than the One Million ad, but Paco Rabanne have managed to outdo themselves with this one.

I'm trying to imagine being the kind of grown adult male who sees that advert and thinks, 'that's the cologne for me!' It must be a pretty sad existence.

[Toby Gymshorts]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

Carlsberg Fan Squad. Jeff Stelling, Ian Wrong and Paddy Fucking McGuinness (to give him his full title).

Get straight to fuck.

[MsD]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

TacTicToenaldo wrote: Trivago.

It's been on for while,(hipster on a gap year stopping off in Venice) but it's always annoyed me.
I don't now if it's the hollow whiny music masquerading as folky wisdom, or her whiny voice, or that the whole advert comprises her constantly voicing what she wants like a spoiled brat, but I don't like it. Not one little bit.

I like the fact that she's on her own. I'm sick of adverts showing holidays only for couples and families or "girls' shopping trips", and singles being portrayed generally as lonely saddoes. Solo trips can be fab and a lot more relaxing.

[Wouter D]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

MsD wrote: Solo trips can be fab and a lot more relaxing.

Amen.

[ian.64]

I've just seen a traumatic advert

I know we've done cologne adverts already, but it's my thread so what the hell.

I thought they couldn't get any worse than the One Million ad, but Paco Rabanne have managed to outdo themselves with this one.

I'm trying to imagine being the kind of grown adult male who sees that advert and thinks, 'that's the cologne for me!' It must be a pretty sad existence.


Dreadful. It's so far up its own arse it's practically clearing its throat with its face.