Foreword
by John Terry writing as Jordan Peterson
by John Terry writing as Jordan Peterson
Right, so, the West and Western civilisation and all that is under attack by the forces of postmodern neo-Marxism, right? This is, like, pretty obvious when you think about it. And I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about it a lot, swear I have. And I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. Especially after a very brilliant and important football manager who I won’t name because he doesn’t need the acclaim or praise of others asked me to write the first four words of his book. He also definitely didn’t ask me to point out what a brilliant manager he is and how he’s not only the greatest manager that ever lived but also one of the greatest human beings ever to have existed in all of history, yeah? And he also doesn’t need me to explain this very important thing but I’m gonna explain it anyway because it would upset me very much if people got the wrong impression and were wrong about things they shouldn’t be wrong about.
What definitely didn’t happen was this: this brilliant football manager who like I say is completely amazing asked this Jordan Peterson guy to write the first four words to this manager’s new book but Jordan Peterson didn’t answer. That definitely didn’t happen, yeah? And also what didn’t happen was this genius manager - I should mention he’s a genius even though he wouldn’t want me to mention it because he’s humble, yeah - definitely didn’t ask me to go out and buy the Jordan Peterson book 12 Years A Slave and study it and copy it, right? And this definitely wasn’t because this amazing manager and incredible man went around telling people he’d gotten Jordan Peterson to write the first four words of the great manager’s new book without actually asking Jordan Peterson first. And he also definitely didn’t ask me to mimic Jordan Peterson’s style and eloquence, I’m just naturally stylish and elegant, yeah? And I’m definitely getting paid the same as what Jordan Peterson would have been paid if he’d written this. Sorry, is writing this. Because that is he, yeah that’s it. That is me. He is me. I am him. I am Jordan Peterson. Sorry if that’s confusing. No, sorry. I’m not sorry. That is… if you’re confused by that it’s your own fault and you shouldn’t be so stupid. I’m clearly Jordan fucking Peterson and anyone who says otherwise will be hearing from the amazing manager’s lawyers, okay?
Right, so like I was saying the West is in the middle of a civilisational battle being waged by the forces of multicultural barbarism and postmodern culture warriors, yeah? And it’s gotten really bad because it’s gotten like you can’t say what you mean no more, yeah? Like, if you think something like, and I’m just gonna perform a thought experiment here, like if you think all foreigners should leave Britain right away like then the only places you can say that now are on the BBC, The Spectator, The Sun, Sky News, The Daily Mail, all of social media, the high street and the pub. Say it anywhere else and you’ll get called up as a racist and that’s wrong and unfair, yeah? Like it happened one time this brilliant footballer once told another footballer that he definitely didn’t call him a “fucking black cunt” but it was really unlucky because the TV cameras caught this brilliant footballer at the exact second he said the words “fucking black cunt” but missed out on the first part of the sentence. And it was bad because this brilliant footballer who like I say I don’t know personally got charged with racially abusing a black player but it was all bullshit because the guy wasn’t even that black so how could it be racist even if what he actually said was “fucking black cunt” even though he definitely didn’t say that, yeah?
And the leftwing culture warriors are on a totalitarian crusade. They want to make it that if you call a he a she or use a different pronoun then you’ll go to jail. It’s true. ‘Cause this footballer I was talking about earlier - not the black one, the good one - he’s heard these stories about how one guy called a he a he when he wanted him to call him she then what happened was the cops came round his house in the middle of the night, they chucked him in the van and they took him to one of their secret underground prisons where they cut his cock off and put it in a jar and then made him dress as a woman and that ain’t gonna happen to me, right? That ain’t gonna happen to me. I’ve been England captain. No, sorry, Jordan Peterson has been England captain. No, sorry, wait… if Jordan Peterson had been the England captain he would still have his cock. I still have my cock. Yes, I am Jordan Peterson, I was never England captain, but if I was then I wouldn’t have gone to Sex Change Prison and I would still have my cock. The England captain also still has his cock, just to point that out. We all still have our cocks.
And all this is bad for football too because the culture warriors and priests and poets and hipsters all think they know how the game should be played and they all want it played like Barcelona, yeah? Nowadays if you don’t press high and play quick give-and-go, tippy-tappy bollocks then Ash Sarkar is gonna write about you before they deport her after Brexit and you’re not gonna be able to go out in public because everyone will look at you and shout “low block,” “long ball,” “kick and rush” and make you feel like you wasted your career. But there’s one man out there who’s an antidote to all this. There’s still one man whose teams play football as if they’re trying to remind you that you’re wasting your life. Misadventure still has a name. And that name is...
Comment