The Great Bogroll Panic Of 2020

[San Bernardhinault]

What's the first thing sitting on your bookshelf that you're going to sacrifice when all the toilet paper has run out?

I still have my second hand copy of Atlas Shrugged, which is ideal in so many ways. 1000 pages, none of which will be missed; it's old and second hand so the paper's nice and soft; and... well, the other jokes makes themselves.

[Sporting]

I'll be using water.

[Satchmo Distel]

A good shower will save you having to raid the bookshelf.

[Hot Pepsi]

As luck would have it, I bought a case of eco-friendly recycled bamboo toilet paper because I want to be eco conscious and use less plastic packaging. Unfortunately, it's about as abrasive as wiping one's backside with old newspapers. So I've gone back to the Trader Joe's house brand, which is a bit better. But if need be, I can use the scratchy stuff.

[laverte]

i go through my books every so often and offload the ones i've fallen out of love with. But happily for christmas somebody bought me a history book by Simon Heffer. It's brand new and unopened and thus hygienic; doorstop-sized and thus should last me a while even if, you know, it gets a bit active down there; and i sense it would be serving its true purpose.

[San Bernardhinault]

Yay! Somebody actually answering the question! And a good choice, too.

[Hot Pepsi]

I already purged my book collection last year. The local AAUW does a big book sale.

[caja-dglh]

This is tricky as most of the lesser needed books are in the attic and I struggle to remember what is there. While not ideally suitable I do have a sealed set of Cards against Humanity which was won in a Christmas lucky dip / gift exchange about 12 years ago. It would be a suitable use.

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

Surely that thing of Tim Lovejoy's is already available in most good charity shops for less than the price of 4 rolls of shed roll?

[pebblethefish]

During my protracted stay in hospital a few years ago, I was that bored that I bought pretty much every book WH Smith had to offer. There was one which was an "action adventure" which was basically a 300 page description of a gunfight, but I can't remember what it was called. I'll use that as a second option though, because I was desperate enough to read a Dan Brown. "Origin", a book so bad that it actually made me shout at it.

[andrew7610]

If needs be, I've got a copy of Infinite Jest that will be the first to be sacrificed. It looks like there's about 1200 pages, and all but the first 30 or so are untouched by human hand. I just cannot get into it, no matter how many times I've tried.

[Benjm]

A niece and nephew give us unfunny stocking filler publications that are actually known as toilet books every Christmas, so those seem an obvious first resort. One that has somehow eluded charity shop purges is a whole book of photographs of cats with Donald Trump's hair, to give an idea of the genre.

Tomes that I might want to deploy by way of a delayed critical response include Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene and Roger Moore's My Word Is My Bond.